There was a mini triathlon this morning in the park behind our house, so I took my towel and my camera and watched for awhile. I got over there right as the first finisher crossed the line, somewhere around 56 minutes. It would take me 45 minutes probably just to run the 3 miles, let alone swim 3/4 mile and bike 15! I sat in my little camping chair and kept my sunglasses on to hide the tears filling my eyes as I watched runner after runner bring it in. Their husbands, wives, kids, parents lined the course yelling their names, telling them they only had a few more yards to go. There is something about races that brings out the best in us. We encourage. We cheer. We push ourselves farther than we think we can. It's inspiring. I almost really started crying when a 13-year-old girl approached the finish line with her dad right next to her. His eyes were focused only on her; he was in her ear telling her to kick it, to go strong. What's a better metaphor for life than a race? It's long, it's hard, but you have to just keep going and finish as strong as you can.

There is something so exquisite about a lazy Saturday with nothing on the agenda. All the windows are open and breezes come through and I have laundry going and an empty dishwasher. The dogs are all underneath the ottoman; Eller fell asleep on his bone. Chewing is just so exhausting.

My mom is coming to visit in August, and she can't get here soon enough. I'm homesick in the worst way. Being married is great. I like my job (even though I hate the commute) and I like the house and living in such a beautiful place. But I miss my friends in a wicked way. Sarah is nearing the end of her pregnancy, and even though we e-mail every day and I get to see her belly pictures on Flickr, when I think about that baby girl and how I won't get to see her be born, or visit in the hospital, it's almost more than I can take. Sarah and I lived only a few miles apart, so in a different life, I would have likely spent many evenings with them. Heart break!

I think a lot about the day I will become a mother. It's weird, in some ways I feel like I already am, I just don't have any kids yet.

You also forget that what you think is normal is really a quirk. Who knew people could have such radically different sleep preferences? Over the weekend, Aaron and I hung white cotton curtains over the window shades in our bedroom and I said how I hoped they would block the light out better. He laughed and said, "I'm sure it's fine, Dracula." He could sleep in a fully lit room with sirens blaring. I need it dark dark dark and quiet as can be. (A problem when 3 of the 6 bodies sleeping in our room snore like crazy.)

I love many things about Aaron, but one of my favorite things about him is that he joins in with me when I'm singing crazy songs featuring the dogs. One of our favorite regulars is "Snout, snout, let it all out." We have about 3 verses. The first time he did it, he filled in the next few lines with exactly the right (wrong) words and I thought, "Wow. Is this the guy for me or what?" We were dancing around the kitchen last night, singing a song about Julie the Bulldog and in that moment I hoped everyone has moments of silly happiness like that in their lives.

My mom asked me how I was doing not having any alone time, as I'm the type who likes her solitude more often than not. I think in that regard this new job has been a blessing, because by the time I get home I've had two hours alone in the car and a full day at an office of three. I'm ready to talk and be around Aaron by 6 p.m. That is for certain.

When Aaron says grace, he always has so much to thank God for, and it's such a humbling reminder that first and foremost and every day, I should be full of gratitude. Thank you for marriage, God, he'll pray, after we've had an argument. I think, yes, God, thank you for marriage. For putting someone beside me who sees me as I am, not as who I pretend to be. It's humbling. You can't get away with faking much when you're married. I used to wonder what could have possibly gone wrong when celebrities divorced after 30 days (or something similarly ridiculous). Now I think I get it a little bit. Someone saw the truth in them, and neither party liked it very much.

I am very grateful that I had those few weeks to acclimate to the move and to being married. We had so many big changes right on top of one another that I needed a few days where I could just do some laundry and buy pillows and get used to all of this.

Minnesota is a pioneer state, and in some ways I feel like a pioneer. I'm in unchartered territory, and I'm just trying to find my way.

My new office has a window a/c unit and I am surprisingly fond of it. My old workplace had two temperatures: freezing and frigid. It's nice to be able to control it, or to have the windows open when it's nice. And when I'm hot, it blows delicious, cold air right over head. I love it.

There are definitely things to get used about a small office. For one, I have to remember to take my own trash out every few days. And as the office dog (yes, an office dog!) tends to be a dumpster diver, it's even more important. I've come back to my desk a few times to find her licking the inside of my tossed yogurt containers or licking her paws from the smudge of peanut butter she got off an old paper plate.

A pro of a small office? There's no one to talk to really, so I get a lot more work done. The con is that there's no one to talk to.

On a conference call yesterday, a woman joked that this must have been the time of year the state got settled. "And then all the women got pregnant and it was winter and they couldn't leave." Ha. It is stunningly beautiful here right now. I can't get over it, really. The greens are greener and the sky is just a bit bluer. I took a little walk in the park across the street during lunch and even the weeds are beautiful. Minnesota has done a really great job of incorporating green space into their city spaces. There's a park around every corner.

Still going through a bit of wedding withdrawal. We got our video last week and I've only watched it once so far. I'm pacing myself. My earrings really were killer. I'm so glad my mom found them!

Today is my husband's birthday. I hope it's a happy one.

I sent this picture to Melissa and asked if she'd seen how awesome we are. She wrote back and said that a co-worker walked by her desk when it was up on her screen and told her that her coolness factor just went way up.

I love us.

I was working on my thank-you notes, and I got to the notation I'd made for the gift from my grandmother and it hit me that I can't write her a note.

Even though I didn't see her every day, I thought about her all the time and I talked to her often. She loved talking on the phone, and she always told me that she loved me when we said goodbye. I know that she did. When I left her that night, when I peeled myself away from her bedside knowing it would be the last time I touched her, kissed her or spoke to her, my Aunt Wanda gathered me in her arms and whispered in my ear, "She loved you so much. So, so much." We were special to each other.

But when I get sad, I remember that the sadness is for me, not for her.

My small group and I once had a conversation about hell and heaven and there only being one way, and I said that while yes I do believe that when Jesus said that he is THE way, he meant the ONLY way, that's not even the most compelling reason to get your soul saved. I mean, obviously, what happens in eternity is a compelling reason, but that's not what I choose to focus on when I share my testimony. Eternity is a difficult concept to comprehend. How can the finite understand infinity? But what we can all comprehend is right now. I am hurting right now. My life is a mess TODAY. Does God care about my job? My relationship? My body? Yes, yes and yes. To me, the most compelling reason to come to Christ is freedom. Freedom from destruction. Freedom from sin. Freedom from death, but not just physical death. The death we die every day when we look in the mirror and despise our reflection. The death we die when we allow our hearts to be broken, our bodies to be used. The death we die when we think there is no hope, no way out, no light.

Salvation doesn't mean I cease sinning. Sometimes my capacity to sin astounds me. Sometimes the anger that rises up in me is frightening. But when that happens, I cling to the cross. My sins - past, present and future - are all nailed to the cross. Dr. John Piper once said that we all have death warrants with our names on them. We deserve death. But when you put your faith in the blood, that death warrant gets nailed to the cross, right through the hand of our Savior.

My heart no longer beats sadness. It no longer beats sorrow, desperation or destruction. My heart beats Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And my grandmother is there, dancing right beside Him.

I woke up the morning of May 2, 2008, slightly hung over. For months I told myself that I wouldn't drink at our rehearsal dinner, because I didn't want to be dehydrated or feeling less than perfect on our wedding day. But after a hot, chaotic rehearsal where the little boys wanted nothing to do with anything wedding (herding cats!), I needed a margarita.

Earlier that night, at 12:01 a.m. to be exact, I got a text message from Aaron asking where I was. In bed, I wrote back, where are you? At your door, he answered. I thought he was kidding, but then I heard light knocking. I went to the door and he told me he'd just dropped off one of the groomsmen and he just wanted to say "Happy Wedding Day," officially.

So after I laid in bed for a while (chugging water), I got up and put on my gym clothes. As I was about to walk out the door, my dad called from the downstairs restaurant, asking me to come down and help them entertain Michael while they waited for my uncle and family. I grabbed another bottle of water and went down to Sunsets. I walked in and saw my mom, stepfather, stepbrother and his wife. I laughed and asked where my dad was and she said they were sitting outside. By the time I got there, my uncle and his family were there, as was my brother and sister in law. I kissed Michael and hugged my cousin Scott and his gorgeous, teenage daughter and went off to the gym.

I hopped on the elliptical, set my iPod to my worship playlist and within minutes, I was crying. Right there in the hotel work out room. I was so overcome with emotion and gratitude. I bobbed along, lip syncing to "How He Loves," and tears rolled down my face. I felt ridiculous, but I needed that alone time to just reflect and worship. I am truly humbled by the blessing and love that was poured out on us that day. It was beyond measure, and it was worth the wait and worth every heart ache and set back to get there. He is faithful!

Before heading back up to my room, I stopped back by the restaurant to find my mother and ran into her sister, my cousin and her husband. It was so wonderful to just bump into all these people I love all in one place. Just beyond where they were sitting was my dad and family - a table full of Merrills.

My mom came upstairs with me to wait in the suite for the hair and make-up artists while I showered and then the whirlwind began. The bridesmaids arrived one by one and the stylists went to work and I took pictures and ate Chick-fil-a and laughed and held Teri's baby Sylvie, my honorary bridesmaid. Aaron and I texted back and forth; he was at the house his mom rented eating shrimp and hanging out with his friends. He came back by the Don with gifts for me; my mom met him in the lobby and said he seemed rushed, but excited. I opened them while my hair was pinned all crazy around my face and laughed at his cards. The first gift was a white envelope with "adoption papers," written on the outside. Contained within were two heart-shaped dog tags with the dogs' names and my new last name, along with Aaron's cell phone number. (Of course that sent me into crying again.) The second gift was a navigation system; the card read, "While you'll always know where my heart is, you might not always know where you are."

Before I knew it, all the bridesmaids were dressed and the photographer was there. I put my dress on (and freaked out a little because it got caught on my veil and I was stuck inside for a few minutes and my poor short mother couldn't get me out!), and we headed downstairs for photographs.

Aaron and I had decided to meet before the ceremony to take some pictures and I'm so glad that we did. I stood in the lobby and his best man Mark led him through with his eyes closed to outside the front of the hotel where the photographer was waiting.

I then walked up behind him and he turned around to see me for the first time. We exchanged gifts. I'd made him a scrapbook with pictures of us and e-mails we'd exchanged and all the ticket stubs from concerts, Braves games, Thrashers games etc. He gave me a beautiful sparkly bracelet that I love.

The ceremony is a blur, but certain moments stand out. Standing with my dad, the girls and Adam at the edge of the courtyard waiting to line up and Adam didn't want to give his mom his cat crackers, so I got him to pass crackers out to all of us until they were gone. My dad was putting his in his pocket and I was tossing them on a table and Sarah said, "Wait. Am I the only one EATING the cat crackers??" Walking up the aisle with my dad and seeing all these faces of people I love smiling at us. Holding Aaron's hand as the pastor welcomed our guests. My aunt winking at me after completing one of the readings. Holding Melissa's hand as she prayed for us. Saying our vows, my voice clear and strong. Hearing the pastor announce us husband and wife and practically skipping back up the aisle.

After the ceremony the wedding party went out to the beach to take pictures and our photographer got us to do some pretty crazy stuff, like play beach volleyball. It was hilarious. (A few more minutes and Colleen would have whipped us into a real team!)

Then it was on to the party where it was food, champagne, dancing and Aaron's high school friends commandeering the DJ's microphone for do-it-yourself karaoke.

I'm not sure who had a better day: me, Aaron, my mom or Aaron's 16-year-old brother, who was one of the guys all weekend. It was a spectacular party and everything came together just as I'd envisioned. Sometimes I can't believe I actually pulled it off. But the ring on my finger confirms it, as do the four dogs that are sleeping on the floor beside me, here in Minnesota.

It's spring in Minnesota, which is nice because it means I got to experience the season twice. It's green here, but in a different way than it's green in Atlanta. It's a farmy-er green, if that makes sense. There are fewer blooms and more leaves. Fewer hills and more pasture. But I can see a lake just beyond our back yard and the water sparkles through budding limbs. There are so many lakes here that some of them are not lived on. They're too marshy or too shallow for decent fishing, Aaron tells me. So people don't live on them, because why would they? There's another lake around the corner.

I'm trying to make the most of being out of work, because it looks like I'll be starting a new job in the next few weeks and while I look forward to a paycheck and a schedule, it sure was nice to get up and drink coffee and sit on the deck and watch the dogs play.

Even though there is a wedding band on my finger, I sometimes forget that the wedding already happened. I might be experiencing some kind of post-wedding blues, because I'm sad I won't ever have that experience again. But in other ways I am thrilled I won't ever have to plan another one! It was so much work, and I'm amazed I pulled it off. It was a spectacular day and before too many of the details escape me, I should hurry and get them down.

I'm married now and it's different and the same. It's wonderful and yet I still grieve in small ways for my old life. I miss Georgia, but I also feel completely at home here. And I guess that's the way it was meant to be.

I said goodbye to her on Saturday night, sitting at her bedside holding her hand. I stroked the paper thin skin on her arm and watched her tiny chest rise up and down as she slowly struggled more and more to breathe. Her eldest daughter sat beside me; her second eldest daughter across the bed. I felt very privileged to be sitting there with them as they waited out their mother's final goodbye. We talked and told stories. We cried. Aunt Sissy said that every time MeMe heard my voice, she'd open her eyes. I believe she knew it was me holding her hand; that I was there beside her.

On Sunday morning I woke up beside my husband, we packed up the car and began the 14 hour drive to Minnesota. It was a tough decision, whether to stay or go, but I knew my grandmother would say that my place was beside my husband and there was no way I should allow him to come to our new home alone.

The past few days, my first days as a housewife, I've thought about her a lot. What it was like for her, a young married mother at age 16, working alongside her new husband on his parents' farm. What that must have been like for her.

This move up North was challenging; combining households and dogs and lifestyles has been a tough start. But I haven't had to carry water up from the creek, or milk cows or wash my husband's work overalls on a scrub board. I haven't had to wrap my babies up tight from the cold before going out to tend to animals and crops. I'll never have to wash my hair in rain water or wait till my 25th wedding anniversary for a diamond ring.

Her life was hard. She worked dawn to dusk for decades and decades. She raised seven children and in her final years had to bury three. She was the last of the last: all her siblings, friends and in laws went before her.

But she died an old, old woman tucked warmly in her bed. She was kissed goodbye by her daughters, her granddaughters, her grandsons, her great-grandchildren and even a couple of great-great-grandsons.

When I walked down the aisle 11 days ago, I wore a tiny gold wedding band on my pinky finger. It was the ring my grandfather placed on her hand almost 84 years ago. My life is her legacy. She was my love and though I can hardly believe her heart no longer beats and though my heart is now broken, I know she is with Jesus and he is loving her more than I ever did.

Josephine Novella Morrow Hall
March 2, 1908 - May 13, 2008

Everyone said the engagement would go fast; they always say this, to every bride, and I realize now that they're always right.

I'm not sure if I'm in denial or if I'm too wrapped up in wedding details to notice, but it doesn't feel like I only have mere days left living in Atlanta. I love this city so much. It's more than the job I'm good at or the church where I feel at home. It's more than the friends. It's the city herself. I love the way the Midtown skyline looms over Piedmont Park and the past two weeks when I've been in the park at 6 a.m. for boot camp, the glowing buildings sometimes take my breath away. I love the blooming trees and the soul food and how there's an awesome Mexican restaurant on every corner and a nail salon in every strip mall. I love that I can fly direct to anywhere in the world and drive to the ocean in less than five hours. I love the accents and the fact that I know how to get anywhere from anywhere, usually taking back roads.

God led me here so that I would find Him again.

But I feel no regret leaving. I am not torn about it and I don't wish to stay. I knew the day he told me that he was moving that I would be moving too. I knew. I chose and I choose gladly.

"But Ruth replied, 'Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." Ruth 1:16-17

Verses from Isaiah 53 keep tripping over themselves in my head and it's so perfectly perfect, this prophecy that describes my Savior, my God. He was a man of sorrows. There was no physical beauty or majesty that drew us to Him. He was despised by men and we esteemed him not. He was PIERCED for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities, the punishment that brought us peace was upon HIM and by his wounds we are HEALED.

Healed. We are healed. The brokenness has been healed. Oh how He loves us!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWnvBM40xxw

I've been tossing around ideas in my head for weeks about what I could write today, this day that my maternal grandmother celebrates her 100th birthday.

For a while it appeared this day might not come at all. She fell a few weeks before Thanksgiving and fractured her pelvis. She was forced by circumstance and willful daughters to spend a few weeks in a rehabilitation hospital and she hated every minute of it. At the time it was simply my fervent prayer that she be allowed to die at home, but because her strength is seemingly unstoppable, she has been back home for three months now and seems to be doing better each day.

Her doctor has two patients older than she and the doctor says my grandmother and those two other centurions are three of her healthiest patients. No disease, no paralysis. Simply age taking it's toll after 100 years of living.

My mom tucked this picture into my Christmas stocking and when I pulled it out, my eyes immediately filled with tears. Being born to country folk in the early 20th century, not many photos exist of my grandmother as a child. In fact, this is the youngest one I've ever seen. Her life was never easy, not even when this picture was taken.

Her father - the great love of her life, I believe - passed away when she was only 9 and she has spent the past 91 years mourning him.

She told me a few months ago that people called him "Red Morrow," because of his bright red hair. Maybe that's why she is so taken with Michael (who is her 30th great-grandchild).

I love this woman in a way I find difficult to explain. Though I am one of literally dozens and dozens of children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren/great-great-grandchildren, I sometimes feel like there something special between us. An unseen thread that strings our hearts together over generations and miles.

My lungs breathe because of her. My heart beats because of her. I am alive because of her. Her strength lives in me, though I am not even an iota as strong as she. She left sleeping babies in a one-room house at 4 a.m. every morning as she crept out to milk cows. Her shoulders bore the weight of water she lugged in from a creek. She said "I do" to a man when she was only still a girl. She has buried her parents. Her in laws. Her siblings, including a brother who died as a young, young man. There were whispers of suicide, but to this day she maintains that he didn't, he wouldn't. She has buried every single one of her friends. She buried her husband, placing shaky hands on his casket as she bent down to kiss it, moments before it was put into the ground. She has buried three of her children - three lives that she birthed into this world in a little house, miles from a hospital or a doctor.

This morning in church, as we sang "Jesus Paid it All," I started to cry thinking about her life and her legacy. Her legacy of faith saved my soul. Because she taught my mother the Truth, my mother taught me. But more than that, the ransom that Christ paid for me, he paid for her. And because of his glorious sacrifice, not only will I live with Him forever, but so will she.

O' praise the one who paid my debt

And raised this life up from the dead

She will never die. Nor will I. Nor will anyone who is justified through faith.

Romans 5:1-2

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory."

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Got engaged!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Did I make any last year? I don't think so. This year I just want to fit into my wedding dress!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 2007 brought seven new babies: My friend Catherine had Jeffrey; Mary had Baby Abe; my college roommate Kim had twin boys; Courtney had Baby Anna and my stepbrother and his wife had their boy-girl twins in November.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Aaron's paternal grandmother died in July and I'm sorry I never got to meet her.

5. What places did you visit? Savannah, Florida (3 times), Minnesota (6 times), Ohio (4 times), San Francisco, Philadelphia and Puerto Rico.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? Financial stability. (I said that last year and I'm saying it again! 2008 won't see me debt free, but we'll be on the road there.)

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Jan. 27 - the day I met Aaron at the dog park. (I took this picture of Scout on our way home.) Feb. 16 - our first date. March 23 - Melissa's wedding. April 13 - Baby Abe's birthday. August 4 - got engaged! Sept. 15 - Colleen's wedding.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I don't know - I've done a lot of growing this year - figuring out how to be a part of permanent team has been a lot of learning! - but nothing in particular stands out.

9. What was your biggest failure? I wouldn't say anything this year was a "failure." I should have paid off more debt and kept off 4 or 5 pounds, but that's just life. Not "failing."

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I started getting migraines this year, and hoo boy, those stink!

11. What was the best thing you bought? My Canon Digital Rebel of course!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? This is a silly question, because it’s hard to define. There was a lot to celebrate in 2007 from people making wise choices in their lives to silly things, like celebrating getting flowers at the office.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Nobody really.

14. Where did most of your money go? Boarding my dogs! (Same as 2006!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Aaron, getting engaged, being a bridesmaid (twice!), getting engaged, my engagement ring, have I said my ring?, figuring out that I will be able to be debt free someday soon.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? “You are God” by Charlie Hall. I heard it for the first time at Passion ‘07 and then Melissa chose it to use for her bridal processional. At Thirsty ‘07 I ran into Charlie Hall and I said, “Hey.. I have to tell you something.” And I told him how Melissa and I volunteered at Passion together and that she used that song in her wedding. He said, “No way - that’s awesome. Thank you for telling me that.” I called her immediately and she didn’t believe me at first, but it happened!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Much happier and I was pretty happy last December, so that’s saying a lot (same answer as last year)
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, but only marginally since I've gained six pounds since Thanksgiving.
c) richer or poorer? Still poorer, and I’m ready for that answer to change next year.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Saving.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Spending.

20. How did you spend Christmas last year? Same way I’ve spent every other Christmas, with my mom and family at my parents’ house. We have brunch, open presents and then head over to my Aunt Jane’s for dinner and dominoes.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006? Yup!

22. How many one-night stands? None.

23. What was your favorite TV program? Still the Office! (“I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitous.”)

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2007? Had a great 31st. On my actual birthday, Aaron and I went to dinner at Canoe (where the entire night I kept expecting him to propose, especially when he suggested we go out for a walk down near the Chattahooche [no, he just wanted to go for a walk!]). And then a few days later we had a 4th of July/birthday party at his loft with friends and fireworks.

25. What was the best book you read? Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey! I recommend it to everyone. Most of it is common sense, but if it were really so common, more Americans would have more money and less debt.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hmmm. I’m not sure - I heard a lot of good music this year.

27. What did you want and get? A Canon Digital Rebel!

28. What did you want and not get? The year's not over yet!

29. What was your favorite film of this year? I have no idea. Obviously nothing stands out.

30. Did you make some new friends this year? If so, who? Well, Aaron! And his friends. There are a few guys he is still friends with from high school and they’re great.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Nothing comes to mind.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? How-do-I-suddenly-own-all-this-official-NFL-licensed-Vikings-gear?

33. What kept you sane? Faith, friends, family. Scout, who drives me to the brink of insanity before she does something that makes me love her again. She’s lucky she is so cute.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I wouldn’t say I fancy any public figures, but Vince Vaughn will always have a place in my heart. Even when he’s doing cheesy Santa movies.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? As always, poverty. The fact that there are people who work hourly-wage jobs who still can’t afford housing or health care is shameful.

36. Who did you miss? Melissa. Michael. My mom. Aaron, when we’re apart.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Aaron. (Are you sensing a theme?)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
For all the changes that occurred - meeting my future husband, getting engaged, preparing to move - 2007 was a pretty low-key year. I feel settled in my life and while I am not always happy, I am mostly always content. And I get no credit for any it - all the credit belongs to God.

But at the same time I can’t stop framing it as how lucky I am. What if I’d given up? What if I had given in? What if I had settled? The ring on my finger regularly catches my eye and though I am getting used to - getting used to navigating around it and spinning it inside my palm when I pump gas or when I’m navigating an unknown city - I still can’t believe that I am now one of Them. Allison always used to tell me that life wasn’t that different on the other side, except that you happen to be married. Not to say that things don’t change or that there aren’t new challenges - I think her point always was the same as that old cliché - wherever you go, there you are.

Shortly after Melissa’s wedding she read me a quote from a book she was reading that said something like, if you’re looking to do the work of Jesus in the world, stay single. If you want to learn to be more like Jesus? Get married.

Marriage is a constant battle between submitting to the Word and to this imperfect husband and your own self-centered, prideful, stubborn self. Both Colleen and Melissa have told me since their respective weddings that they feel closer to God now that they‘re someone‘s wife than they ever did in their previous lives. What is it about marriage that shows us more of who God is? That teaches us more of who Jesus is? Is it the constant daily dying to yourself? Killing your worldliness and pride - the pride that may have kept us single for so long?

In Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus, he writes that marriage is a “profound mystery” because it tells us something about the mystery of God and the relationship between Christ and the church. (I’ve heard many brilliant pastors preach awesome sermons on Ephesians 5. Dr. John Piper has several on desiring god.org and you can download Voddie Bacchum and Louie Giglio’s messages on marriage at 722.org and northpoint.org.)

In a 7:22 series from several years ago - Boy Meets Girl - Louie Giglio defines commitment as a “desire to love that goes beyond circumstances.” Commitment and love aren’t things that just “happen” to us. There is no cupid. There is no arrow. There is the moment when you make a choice - this is the person, this is the relationship, this is the life that I am going to choose - till death do us part.

Louie goes on to say that commitment is two people submitting to God and to each other with no intention - zero intention - of turning back; it’s believing that no matter what the world throws our way (and there will be trouble - even Jesus said that we will have trouble in this world) that God is enough and we will press forward.

God created marriage and he loves marriage. Scripture says that whatever God has joined together, let no man separate. As far as He is concerned, divorce is a myth. You can separate your homes, but you can never undo what God has unified into one. It’s a mystery! Why does God bind us as one flesh on Earth? I don’t know, but it is a balm to know that God cares about my marriage; He cares about all marriage. But of course He cares about it - He designed it! In the perfect, sinless Garden, when everything was as He created, He saw that it was “not good” for Adam to be alone, so He created Eve to be Adam’s helpmate and declared that it then was “good.”

From the very beginning of our relationship - and it seems like now that we began discussing marriage on our first date, but surely we didn’t - but from the beginning we both said that divorce is not an option. It is off the table. I chose. He chose. I’m in. He’s in. But it is a battle we will have to fight daily - divorce is like an undertow in our culture, waiting to drown us. Just this week I have learned of three new marriages in the process of falling apart - one of them nasty, infiltrated with lawyers and custody battles; another quietly disintegrated, two spouses who’ve retreated to separate rooms, unsure of how to fix things now that they are no longer children in their home to hold them together.

But when I think of our marriage as a picture of Christ‘s love for the world, I can‘t imagine ever being separated. After all, who can separate what God has joined? Christ will never divorce me; He will never leave me; He will never forsake me. So until death parts us, I am in.

And luckily for us, God is most definitely in - without Him, we’d be doomed. I am marrying someone who is inadequate and imperfect - and so is he! But God is sufficient and He has promised to provide and be with us. Because of what He has done, I can say “I do!”

There are many things I’ve learned about myself as I’ve gotten older, but one of the biggest is that I am not even remotely as smart as I once thought I might be. In reading Greg’s blog, I sometimes have to reread a passage several times or check Wikipedia to make sure I understand the context. He is a brilliant man and a brilliant theologian with a background in science that often leaves me befuddled. But what I enjoy most about him is his passionate pleas for the church to get out of the statehouse. He often writes that as Christians (Kingdom people he calls us), our defense is the cross. And when we instead pick up the sword, we must, by necessity, put down the cross! Reading that was a huge gut check; I’ve always enjoyed politics – I got my bachelor’s degree in it after all – and I follow the process with interest and passion. But there has long been a niggling feeling in me that we’re getting it all wrong. And then I wondered, Is something wrong with me because it doesn’t matter to me what my president believes? That I don’t have any interest in legislating people’s lives? After all, I’m a Christian. Shouldn’t I view Hot Political Topic B in exactly the same way as other Christians? (When I so often don’t.)

Greg is constantly rallying against the notion of labeling ANY political viewpoint as the “Christian position.” In an entry dated June 28, 2007, titled “A Great Time Talking Faith and Politics,” Greg makes many excellent points, but one jumped out at me in light of Andy Stanley’s current series at Buckhead Church, Judgment Call.

On top of this, what business does the Church have trying to get Caesar to act more Christian than we ourselves act? How can we possibly tell Caesar what he should do about the poor when we ourselves are not bleeding as much as we can bleed for the poor? The Church can have a role in leading government, I believe, but only if it does so BY EXAMPLE, not cheap opinions. Until we ARE this example, I honestly think it’s counter-productive to the Kingdom to offer public opinions "in Jesus name." It's like those Christians who publically rally Christians to be against gay marriage because they're for family values, when Christians themselves have a higher divorce rate than the rest of America. This sort of thing invites the charge of hypocrisy. Of course, individuals can have whatever opinions they want about gay marriage or any other political issue. The trouble arises when groups publically represent this as "the Christian position." If Christians spent a decade doing nothing but healing their own marriages while sacrificially serving non-Christian gay people, maybe, just maybe, we'd earn the right to lovingly speak into their lives -- and they into ours (since, after all, our sin is like a tree trunk compared to their sin, which is a mere dust particle [Mt 7:1-3]).”

The scripture he references is the passage in Matthew 7 where Jesus opens by saying, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” (The phrase almost everyone is familiar with.) What a lot of people aren’t as familiar with is the rest of his command:

1“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. 2 For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. 3 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 4 How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5, NLT)

Last Sunday – in response to the second verse – Andy asked, “And what’s the standard by which you want to be judged?” And I scrawled out in my journal, “With MERCY.” So that begs the question, “Have I been merciful?” Maybe every once in awhile when I forget myself, yes, I am, but most often, no.

There are many, many things about this life, the world, the Kingdom and my place in it that I do not understand. The only thing I see with any real clarity is the cross on Calvary and the God who poured his blood out for all of us so that we can go before the merciful Justifier as Christ-covered sinners. I have so many questions and so few answers, but why wouldn’t I trust the Justifier to be Just? The Merciful One to show mercy? There are few who have sinned as egregiously as I have, I assure you, and if I can be healed, forgiven, loved, there is hope for every one of us.

It all still feels surreal. The engagement. This very shiny, sparkley thing on my finger that I've had to learn to navigate around. (Note: Do not put anything in left jeans pocket.) Having to catch myself and remember that they are talking to me when people ask how the plans are coming. I am sure that this is something that all brides encounter - the very weirdness of being a bride - but it is strange when you're the one encountering it, nonetheless.

Because A. and I both tend to border more on the Type A side of the Type A/Type B personality line, plans have been falling into place quickly and without the drama or hair pulling sitcoms would have you believe goes into weddings. We knew it probably wouldn't be in Atlanta and since we both love the ocean, choosing Florida was easy. And since I have been vacationing on the Gulf Coast for almost a decade, deciding where in Florida was without much discussion too. And when I saw the venue, I didn't even want to waste my time looking anywhere else. I knew I'd found it.

The most difficult thing in this entire process so far has been learning to let go of my single identity. And I don't mean in a I'll-miss-dating (I won't) or I'll-miss-the-freedom kind of way. It's more that I have had to remember and realize that there are many roads and facets of my former life that are now closed to me. When my friends and small group were discussing heading down to the church's Singles Labor Day Retreat, I thought, "Oh - I guess I won't ever go to that again." And when the bulletin at church promotes a singles' gathering, I realize that my friends will send e-mails that won't include me.

One of my most fervent prayers is to be a Godly wife and to have a Godly marriage. But let no one be mistaken: it is hard. Being a submissive wife isn't something that you see modeled in secular culture - not on television or in any movies or even in commercials. Most people I know have secular marriages, so it's not even something I see played out in my daily life. And the majority of my Christian friends are single, so that places me, and us, in totally unknown territory. Luckily for us (and for everyone) the only model we'll really need is the one that Jesus displayed when he submitted himself to the will of His father and died on the cross. I would never be aghast at the idea of submitting to Christ, so why would I hesitate to submit to my spouse? (Ephesians 5:21 - "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.")

Engagement is a journey in and of itself and thus far it hasn't been without its pot holes and road blocks. It's funny - there are hundreds of books and shows on Oxygen and the Style network (and E! and VH1 and TLC and...) that prominently feature wedding planning (ice bars! monogrammed aisle runners! candy buffets!) But when it comes to planning for marriage the well is pretty dry.

So I try to not get too wrapped up in what kind of musicians we'll have for the ceremony (guitarists? flautists? violinists? all three?!), and instead I try to get wrapped up in him. And in Him.