May 30, 2008

My Heart Beats

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
"At the Cross," Hillsong

I was working on my thank-you notes, and I got to the notation I'd made for the gift from my grandmother and it hit me that I can't write her a note.

Even though I didn't see her every day, I thought about her all the time and I talked to her often. She loved talking on the phone, and she always told me that she loved me when we said goodbye. I know that she did. When I left her that night, when I peeled myself away from her bedside knowing it would be the last time I touched her, kissed her or spoke to her, my Aunt Wanda gathered me in her arms and whispered in my ear, "She loved you so much. So, so much." We were special to each other.

But when I get sad, I remember that the sadness is for me, not for her.

My small group and I once had a conversation about hell and heaven and there only being one way, and I said that while yes I do believe that when Jesus said that he is THE way, he meant the ONLY way, that's not even the most compelling reason to get your soul saved. I mean, obviously, what happens in eternity is a compelling reason, but that's not what I choose to focus on when I share my testimony. Eternity is a difficult concept to comprehend. How can the finite understand infinity? But what we can all comprehend is right now. I am hurting right now. My life is a mess TODAY. Does God care about my job? My relationship? My body? Yes, yes and yes. To me, the most compelling reason to come to Christ is freedom. Freedom from destruction. Freedom from sin. Freedom from death, but not just physical death. The death we die every day when we look in the mirror and despise our reflection. The death we die when we allow our hearts to be broken, our bodies to be used. The death we die when we think there is no hope, no way out, no light.

Salvation doesn't mean I cease sinning. Sometimes my capacity to sin astounds me. Sometimes the anger that rises up in me is frightening. But when that happens, I cling to the cross. My sins - past, present and future - are all nailed to the cross. Dr. John Piper once said that we all have death warrants with our names on them. We deserve death. But when you put your faith in the blood, that death warrant gets nailed to the cross, right through the hand of our Savior.

My heart no longer beats sadness. It no longer beats sorrow, desperation or destruction. My heart beats Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And my grandmother is there, dancing right beside Him.

Posted by hannah at 12:18 PM