May 30, 2008
My Heart Beats
And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
"At the Cross," Hillsong
I was working on my thank-you notes, and I got to the notation I'd made for the gift from my grandmother and it hit me that I can't write her a note.
Even though I didn't see her every day, I thought about her all the time and I talked to her often. She loved talking on the phone, and she always told me that she loved me when we said goodbye. I know that she did. When I left her that night, when I peeled myself away from her bedside knowing it would be the last time I touched her, kissed her or spoke to her, my Aunt Wanda gathered me in her arms and whispered in my ear, "She loved you so much. So, so much." We were special to each other.
But when I get sad, I remember that the sadness is for me, not for her.
My small group and I once had a conversation about hell and heaven and there only being one way, and I said that while yes I do believe that when Jesus said that he is THE way, he meant the ONLY way, that's not even the most compelling reason to get your soul saved. I mean, obviously, what happens in eternity is a compelling reason, but that's not what I choose to focus on when I share my testimony. Eternity is a difficult concept to comprehend. How can the finite understand infinity? But what we can all comprehend is right now. I am hurting right now. My life is a mess TODAY. Does God care about my job? My relationship? My body? Yes, yes and yes. To me, the most compelling reason to come to Christ is freedom. Freedom from destruction. Freedom from sin. Freedom from death, but not just physical death. The death we die every day when we look in the mirror and despise our reflection. The death we die when we allow our hearts to be broken, our bodies to be used. The death we die when we think there is no hope, no way out, no light.
Salvation doesn't mean I cease sinning. Sometimes my capacity to sin astounds me. Sometimes the anger that rises up in me is frightening. But when that happens, I cling to the cross. My sins - past, present and future - are all nailed to the cross. Dr. John Piper once said that we all have death warrants with our names on them. We deserve death. But when you put your faith in the blood, that death warrant gets nailed to the cross, right through the hand of our Savior.
My heart no longer beats sadness. It no longer beats sorrow, desperation or destruction. My heart beats Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And my grandmother is there, dancing right beside Him.
Posted by hannah at 12:18 PM
May 22, 2008
May 2
I woke up the morning of May 2, 2008, slightly hung over. For months I told myself that I wouldn't drink at our rehearsal dinner, because I didn't want to be dehydrated or feeling less than perfect on our wedding day. But after a hot, chaotic rehearsal where the little boys wanted nothing to do with anything wedding (herding cats!), I needed a margarita.
Earlier that night, at 12:01 a.m. to be exact, I got a text message from Aaron asking where I was. In bed, I wrote back, where are you? At your door, he answered. I thought he was kidding, but then I heard light knocking. I went to the door and he told me he'd just dropped off one of the groomsmen and he just wanted to say "Happy Wedding Day," officially.
So after I laid in bed for a while (chugging water), I got up and put on my gym clothes. As I was about to walk out the door, my dad called from the downstairs restaurant, asking me to come down and help them entertain Michael while they waited for my uncle and family. I grabbed another bottle of water and went down to Sunsets. I walked in and saw my mom, stepfather, stepbrother and his wife. I laughed and asked where my dad was and she said they were sitting outside. By the time I got there, my uncle and his family were there, as was my brother and sister in law. I kissed Michael and hugged my cousin Scott and his gorgeous, teenage daughter and went off to the gym.
I hopped on the elliptical, set my iPod to my worship playlist and within minutes, I was crying. Right there in the hotel work out room. I was so overcome with emotion and gratitude. I bobbed along, lip syncing to "How He Loves," and tears rolled down my face. I felt ridiculous, but I needed that alone time to just reflect and worship. I am truly humbled by the blessing and love that was poured out on us that day. It was beyond measure, and it was worth the wait and worth every heart ache and set back to get there. He is faithful!
Before heading back up to my room, I stopped back by the restaurant to find my mother and ran into her sister, my cousin and her husband. It was so wonderful to just bump into all these people I love all in one place. Just beyond where they were sitting was my dad and family - a table full of Merrills.
My mom came upstairs with me to wait in the suite for the hair and make-up artists while I showered and then the whirlwind began. The bridesmaids arrived one by one and the stylists went to work and I took pictures and ate Chick-fil-a and laughed and held Teri's baby Sylvie, my honorary bridesmaid. Aaron and I texted back and forth; he was at the house his mom rented eating shrimp and hanging out with his friends. He came back by the Don with gifts for me; my mom met him in the lobby and said he seemed rushed, but excited. I opened them while my hair was pinned all crazy around my face and laughed at his cards. The first gift was a white envelope with "adoption papers," written on the outside. Contained within were two heart-shaped dog tags with the dogs' names and my new last name, along with Aaron's cell phone number. (Of course that sent me into crying again.) The second gift was a navigation system; the card read, "While you'll always know where my heart is, you might not always know where you are."
Before I knew it, all the bridesmaids were dressed and the photographer was there. I put my dress on (and freaked out a little because it got caught on my veil and I was stuck inside for a few minutes and my poor short mother couldn't get me out!), and we headed downstairs for photographs.
Aaron and I had decided to meet before the ceremony to take some pictures and I'm so glad that we did. I stood in the lobby and his best man Mark led him through with his eyes closed to outside the front of the hotel where the photographer was waiting.
I then walked up behind him and he turned around to see me for the first time. We exchanged gifts. I'd made him a scrapbook with pictures of us and e-mails we'd exchanged and all the ticket stubs from concerts, Braves games, Thrashers games etc. He gave me a beautiful sparkly bracelet that I love.
The ceremony is a blur, but certain moments stand out. Standing with my dad, the girls and Adam at the edge of the courtyard waiting to line up and Adam didn't want to give his mom his cat crackers, so I got him to pass crackers out to all of us until they were gone. My dad was putting his in his pocket and I was tossing them on a table and Sarah said, "Wait. Am I the only one EATING the cat crackers??" Walking up the aisle with my dad and seeing all these faces of people I love smiling at us. Holding Aaron's hand as the pastor welcomed our guests. My aunt winking at me after completing one of the readings. Holding Melissa's hand as she prayed for us. Saying our vows, my voice clear and strong. Hearing the pastor announce us husband and wife and practically skipping back up the aisle.
After the ceremony the wedding party went out to the beach to take pictures and our photographer got us to do some pretty crazy stuff, like play beach volleyball. It was hilarious. (A few more minutes and Colleen would have whipped us into a real team!)
Then it was on to the party where it was food, champagne, dancing and Aaron's high school friends commandeering the DJ's microphone for do-it-yourself karaoke.
I'm not sure who had a better day: me, Aaron, my mom or Aaron's 16-year-old brother, who was one of the guys all weekend. It was a spectacular party and everything came together just as I'd envisioned. Sometimes I can't believe I actually pulled it off. But the ring on my finger confirms it, as do the four dogs that are sleeping on the floor beside me, here in Minnesota.
Posted by hannah at 12:55 PM
May 20, 2008
Home Life
Every where I go eight sets of paws follow me. Well, really only six. Julie doesn't move unless she thinks there is food at the end of the journey.
It's spring in Minnesota, which is nice because it means I got to experience the season twice. It's green here, but in a different way than it's green in Atlanta. It's a farmy-er green, if that makes sense. There are fewer blooms and more leaves. Fewer hills and more pasture. But I can see a lake just beyond our back yard and the water sparkles through budding limbs. There are so many lakes here that some of them are not lived on. They're too marshy or too shallow for decent fishing, Aaron tells me. So people don't live on them, because why would they? There's another lake around the corner.
I'm trying to make the most of being out of work, because it looks like I'll be starting a new job in the next few weeks and while I look forward to a paycheck and a schedule, it sure was nice to get up and drink coffee and sit on the deck and watch the dogs play.
Even though there is a wedding band on my finger, I sometimes forget that the wedding already happened. I might be experiencing some kind of post-wedding blues, because I'm sad I won't ever have that experience again. But in other ways I am thrilled I won't ever have to plan another one! It was so much work, and I'm amazed I pulled it off. It was a spectacular day and before too many of the details escape me, I should hurry and get them down.
I'm married now and it's different and the same. It's wonderful and yet I still grieve in small ways for my old life. I miss Georgia, but I also feel completely at home here. And I guess that's the way it was meant to be.
Posted by hannah at 04:40 PM
May 13, 2008
Josephine
My grandmother died today.
I said goodbye to her on Saturday night, sitting at her bedside holding her hand. I stroked the paper thin skin on her arm and watched her tiny chest rise up and down as she slowly struggled more and more to breathe. Her eldest daughter sat beside me; her second eldest daughter across the bed. I felt very privileged to be sitting there with them as they waited out their mother's final goodbye. We talked and told stories. We cried. Aunt Sissy said that every time MeMe heard my voice, she'd open her eyes. I believe she knew it was me holding her hand; that I was there beside her.
On Sunday morning I woke up beside my husband, we packed up the car and began the 14 hour drive to Minnesota. It was a tough decision, whether to stay or go, but I knew my grandmother would say that my place was beside my husband and there was no way I should allow him to come to our new home alone.
The past few days, my first days as a housewife, I've thought about her a lot. What it was like for her, a young married mother at age 16, working alongside her new husband on his parents' farm. What that must have been like for her.
This move up North was challenging; combining households and dogs and lifestyles has been a tough start. But I haven't had to carry water up from the creek, or milk cows or wash my husband's work overalls on a scrub board. I haven't had to wrap my babies up tight from the cold before going out to tend to animals and crops. I'll never have to wash my hair in rain water or wait till my 25th wedding anniversary for a diamond ring.
Her life was hard. She worked dawn to dusk for decades and decades. She raised seven children and in her final years had to bury three. She was the last of the last: all her siblings, friends and in laws went before her.
But she died an old, old woman tucked warmly in her bed. She was kissed goodbye by her daughters, her granddaughters, her grandsons, her great-grandchildren and even a couple of great-great-grandsons.
When I walked down the aisle 11 days ago, I wore a tiny gold wedding band on my pinky finger. It was the ring my grandfather placed on her hand almost 84 years ago. My life is her legacy. She was my love and though I can hardly believe her heart no longer beats and though my heart is now broken, I know she is with Jesus and he is loving her more than I ever did.
Josephine Novella Morrow Hall
March 2, 1908 - May 13, 2008
Posted by hannah at 04:23 PM
