August 01, 2006
Qualified
It's funny how things work. When I was in Romania, I made the decision that I need to stop dating for awhile. I keep going out with people who, while they are (mostly) perfectly nice guys, are not right for me. And I don't just mean in the bad dresser or doesn't have a Bachelor's degree way of not right.
In April, as I was flying back to Atlanta from Las Vegas - after the fledgling relationship I was in got bludgeoned by a city that cares little for relationships - I had the clearest thought. Maybe I keep making poor choice because I am the one who has been doing the choosing. In that moment I prayed for surrender, but true to my stubbornness, I have made some poor choices since then. But it finally dawned on me, as I was somewhere in another country on another continent, that I have to - that it is imperative for my future and the future of my someday family - that I let go in this arena in my life. Retaining a finger hold isn't letting go. I guess a part of me still thought I could control it better than He could. I mean, what if He gives me someone who likes cats?!
I feel as if I am playing catch-up on all the information that Christian adults learn in college or in their early 20s - about having a Godly relationship and the things your partner must be in order for them to be qualified. And it's funny to me - in that funny way that God keeps showing me that He has a great design in mind for me - that as soon as I (finally!) came to this realization, we would start a series on marriage at church and that my friend Autumn would suddenly hand over all the CDs she's purchased from past 7:22 series on dating and love without my asking.
On Sunday we heard part two in the marriage series, and as the speaker, Voddie Bauchum, listed the top five reasons (lust, desperation, time invested, materialism and mysticism; mysticism, as in, "I've prayed about it and I have a peace about it," or "If God didn't want me to be in this relationship, he'd close the door." Voddie said, "As if God is the only one out there opening doors"), why most Christian women abandon the call for choosing a qualified husband, I felt simultaneously nauseous and grateful. Nauseous because I have thought, felt or articulated every one of those five reasons at some point in ALL of my relationships and grateful because God spared me from my own stupidity. No matter what your faith, we all have the ability to be mind-blowingly stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. I mean, it amazes me sometimes. That is an aside.
And for the first time - literally the first time in my life - I am truly excited at the thought of marrying someone whose number one qualification is that he loves God, and more importantly, lives for Him. It should have been my number one priority all along - not height or profession or background. And I still get to find him! I was spared the agony of realizing too late that I made a horrific choice - that I foolishly partnered myself with someone who would never love me the way God wants me to be loved. Who would never lead me the way I need to be led. Who would never protect me the way I need protected. Who would never raise our children the way they need to be raised.
I was a child of a mismatched marriage and you would have thought that experience would have been enough to sway me, but it wasn't. The desire to be loved is powerful. The God-placed yearning for a partner can sometimes make you forget who exactly you are yearning for.
I'm so glad that I was reminded and that I woke up and finally heard it.
EDITED: I have no idea why comments aren't showing up. Weird.
Posted by hannah at 06:03 PM
