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June 29, 2006

The Door to Thirty

Tomorrow I turn 30. Thirty. It seems weird to think of myself as 30, as I feel about 25 and I still get carded just about everywhere I go. (I got carded probably five times a day when I was in Vegas - even a few times for just being on the floor, even when I wasn't gambling.) But regardless of how I feel, there it is: 30.

Everyone keeps telling me that your thirties is when it all comes together, and you realize that you were an idiot in your twenties (I already realized that), and that the thirties are the prime of your life. It'll be great, they tell me. And while I believe them, there is still that sense of sadness that I'm closing the door on such a huge part of my life. I won't be a 20something anymore and that is just strange to me.

My high school Precal was that cool teacher guy whom everyone loved: Mr. Rock. I don't remember any math he taught me, but I remember very clearly one Friday afternoon (it must have been his birthday), and as he stood there at the chalkboard in his casual Friday jeans and LSU polo, he told us that no matter the number of candles on your cake, you never really feel old. That statement is hard to understand when you're 17 and think you're already old enough to know everything, but I get it now.

I'm excited about tomorrow. I feel like I'm getting ready to open the biggest present I'll ever get and the anger that I felt several weeks ago over entering into a new decade has totally dissipated. I feel an energy around me, like major things are about to happen, as if my life is about to change in a way I never expected.

I did a lot in my 20s: I graduated from college; I landed three jobs; I moved many times, including the biggest move of my life to the Dirty, Dirty; I bought a house; I fell in love and got my heart broken and then I did that again and again and again; I got Montego and found out my brother is having a son; I learned to believe in what I always knew to be True and I let myself be loved by the greatest Lover to ever live. I stopped looking for answers in the darkness and found the answer to every question I'll ever ask. (Last night I made a joke and said something like, "I'm just over here trying to love Jesus!" and my friend looked at me funny and said, "But lovin' Jesus is easy. There ain't nothin' complicated about Him," and that is the truth.)

The only emotion I can muster at this moment is gratitude. I am so, so thankful for everything in my life. I have friends who think I'm one-of-a-kind and who tolerate my abuse of Birthday Week. I have a supportive family who love me lavishly. I feel like my life has been blessing piled on top of blessing and I did nothing to deserve any of it. I'm simply a girl, a woman, who's over here just trying to love Jesus. Who is trying to love you. Who is trying to love her life.

The door to 30 stands open and whether I like it or not, I'm walking through it. I'll see y'all over there.

Posted by hannah at 05:24 PM