May 17, 2006
Butterflies
Here's something you've never heard me say before (ha): Dating is hard. There are rules of engagement and expectations and everyone is different and maybe you've been bopping along for years behaving in a certain manner and never thinking a thing of it till someone calls you on it and you think, "Oh!"
All of that to say: I hate dating. I wish it were easy and clear and that it involved a checklist of some kind. But it doesn't, and emotions are sticky and weird and people are weird (and sometimes sticky), and you never know what effect you really have on someone - positive or negative.
But then there are the butterflies and you can't escape them. On one of our first dates he sent me an e-mail with directions to his apartment and at the end he put, "When you get to the breezeway you will be overcome by a strange, giddy feeling. Not all will feel it, but those who do will understand."
He calls me by my whole name and sends me random text messages and he is reading "Pride & Prejudice" for fun. I don't understand him and sometimes we miscommunicate in the most mixed up ways, but every time I think about him, there is that giddy feeling.
For the first time, I feel Zenlike about the entire enterprise, which itself is throwing me, and I don't know if that is because he's (can I even say it?) Someone Special of if it's because I finally (finally!) let go.
On Friday night we sat in the corner of a Buckhead bar and had a conversation about race and beauty standards and why people make fools of themselves for love as drunken Atlantans danced around us to horrible '80s music and drank too strong cocktails.
Sometimes my feelings get hurt and I am realizing sometimes I hurt his but then the weirdest thing happens: we talk about it and say "case closed," and move on. It's scary to think that I'm 30 (t-minus 44 days) and I hadn't figured out yet how to do that. How to accept an apology from someone and truly forgive them and let go of hurt feelings, and to have someone do that for me.
But I still hate dating, because at any moment the tide could turn and I can't stop that from happening, any more than I can stop the actual tides from ebbing. I control nothing and nothing belongs to me - no person, no thing, no heart. I can only let myself get washed away with the giddy feeling and swept up with the butterflies. I can only hope that, like all the times before, I will be all right.
Posted by hannah at 07:23 PM
Isn't that the truth. Dating is like torture to me, but that giddy blissful feeling is what keeps sucking us back in.
Posted by mingaling on May 18, 2006 08:59 AMI reached the point you are now at much later than you. When I met my beloved 4 years ago (WOW!) and we went on our first date - I had a bad case of the butterflies. I had been on a man sabbitical for a while because I too hate dating. We met at a dinner of 3000 people and when on our first date about 10 days later. It was the best first date ever - loved the food, the conversation was easy, he drove me home, walked me to the door, met my dog (who now loves him more than me) and I thought to myself - if I never hear from him again, it was a great date. I was happy with having a great date as it had been that long since I had gone out on one that did not make me wish for a good book and my fat pants. That feeling of being in the moment and enjoying the date and him was freeing. Now we are together - and while it has not been easy or smooth all the time like our first date, he is the first person I have been with that is worth the effort.
Enjoy the butterflies - they make you remember you why being a girl is so much fun!
Posted by Diane on May 18, 2006 11:30 AMI love that story about the directions and the butterflies very much.
When Chris came to my apartment for the first time, we went outside after dinner to find that someone had written "FRESHMEN 2000!!" on his back windshield in shoe polish.
So, when I was going to HIS apartment for the first time, he sent me directions telling me how to get to his building and said I would know it because his car would be parked out front. I asked how I would even recognize his car without Freshmen 2000, and he said "Oh, this time the windshield will say 'GET UP HERE!'"
Dating is so dumb, but sometimes it's awesome.
Posted by Al on May 18, 2006 12:47 PMMy gosh, Al, that is one of the sweetest things ever. Hannah, I hope it all works out and you retain that giddy feeling forever.
Posted by Sunwiggie on May 18, 2006 03:18 PMI love this entry - because I experienced serious butterflies (are there any non-serious butterflies?)at the sight of the person I'm getting to know. (We're not calling it dating; rather we're spending a lot of quality time together - intentional time with each other's family, with each of our groups of friends, alone, and in groups.) A month ago, I pulled up at his house, and the sight of him gave me butterflies.
I don't know where this will lead but the butterflies tell me not to take this too casually or take him for granted.
He's the first person I've been interested in where I've been able to be myself 100% - no game playing. It's hard work to maintain a relationship - I had no idea! Discussions to resolve issues and incidents, happy laughter, the feeling that it's "just right" - that you're "home".
So your timing on this post is perfect. Here's to successful dating relationships!
Posted by lea ann on May 18, 2006 03:21 PMI'm a 34 year-old mom of three who's been married for almost 9 years. It's been almost 14 years since our first date, when we were both very young and very foolish. I'd almost forgotten the butterflies I had in anticipation of our first date, and when he held my hand during a terrible Tom Cruise movie, and then on the drive home, wondering about that first good night kiss. But you just brought me back there :).
Enjoy the moment. Cherish the giddiness. Those feelings are fleeting, but they are delicious.
