April 27, 2006
Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
When you look a certain way or act a certain way or come from a certain place, people make automatic judgments about you. This is true across the board for everyone, and it's just human nature. We have to assume things about people and places and moments in order to catalog them for ourselves. Nothing innately wrong with it, but it can be frustrating when people's perceptions of you are out of line with your reality.
For example, people, specifically men, seem to find it hard to understand why I'm single. (I have trouble understanding it myself.) But even if it seems crazy and even if you think that I'm the whole package, those thoughts don't negate the fact that I am single and that my dating life is a comedy of errors.
This weekend a married guy I know cornered me in the bar after the gala dinner and proceeded to tell me for 30 straight minutes, "I just don't get it. Seriously, explain it to me. Do you just want to be single? You have to know how attractive you are," he said. "You can't tell me you don't know that." Well sure, I get that I am attractive. It would be disingenuous for me to say otherwise, but here's the rub: what you look like really has zero to do with how lucky you are in love. It's meaningless. And that's the misconception: most people assume that attractive people have an easier time getting dates or finding someone who will love them when that's just not true. You don't have to look any further than Halle Berry to realize that. It's one of the big Lies in life.
And while it's flattering to hear that people think highly of me, it's also frustrating. I'm not making it up for editorial sake when I say that I don't have a lot of luck in the relationship realm. And while I certainly make my share of bad choices, I finally realized that none of it is an accident or chance.
There is a reason, known only to Him, that God has held back in this arena of my life. It was whispered to me in a fleeting moment of pity that He can choose better for me than I ever could for myself. For reasons I'd perhaps like to leave uninvestigated, I tend to pick men with obvious flaws, like being unemployed or, heaven help me, 32 and living at home.
When I left for Vegas I was dating someone and when we came home, we weren't dating anymore. (Yeah.) I'm still not exactly sure what happened and while there have been apologies exchanged and I'm trying to move on from my disappointment at how the weekend turned out, the reality is that I have to chalk another one up and carry on.
The accepted truth is that unmarried women of a certain age are bitter or weighed down by baggage, and while stereotypes always have a base in reality, that's not what I see when I look at my life.
But it's a reality I fight every second of every day. I don't want to be bitter and I don't want to think less of myself or my life because I'm 30 and unmarried. That's fruitless. My joy won't be found in marriage and my joy won't be found in motherhood or in a McMansion. My joy is found in Him, no where else, and the moment I accepted that the easier it became to laugh about all the crazy things that happen to me.
All of life is carrying on. Every one has their Thing, and maybe this is mine. And in the grand scheme of things, it's not such a bad Thing to have to deal with. I always have stories and I've met more people than I ever imagined I would, when I was a little girl and I lived out my life in dreams. I have memories that I wouldn't exchange for anything - of rooftop kisses and heart-to-hearts over pints of imported beer; memories of road trips in convertibles and camping under Southern skies. Sure, I've been rejected and ignored and hurt but I've also been pursued and loved and worshipped. And I still have that Moment to look forward to, that moment my friends still talk about whether they've been married four years or two months - when they saw the man in front of them and saw their husband. That's pretty heady, and most of the time (most of the time), I feel so fortunate that it's still ahead of me.
All of that to say, don't be annoying and act like you can't understand why I'm single. I'm single because I am. Hallelujah.
Posted by hannah at 04:58 PM
Amen.
As a 33 year old (sorta) single women I agree with you on all points. Of course, I've done the married thing and seen it fail miserably, but I still refuse to become that bitter crazy lady with 17 cats.
You're given what you're given and it's a gift (some say that's why it's called the present). It's hard for some to understand us (30 something single gals) being deeply genuinely happy without the stereotypical accoutrements.
It is, however, possible and happening everywhere...and I applaud you for not only relinquishing it to be sorted out another way (by the big Someone Else) and for doing it with style and grace.
I'm happy to have you on the team as a living, breathing poster child.
Did I already say "amen"? :)
Posted by Maigh on April 27, 2006 06:37 PMIt took me a long time to be at peace with my 30+ years of singleton-ness (just made that word up). I learned, as you have, it is not about what is missing that will make your life better but what you have and do for yourself that is the good stuff. Once I took a look at me and realized that I was THE SHIT and that men were just dumb not to realize it - I walked with a lot more spring in my step. I had a great job, the best friends a girl could ask for, I had traveled the world, have the best damn dog in the world and good hair. How much more could 1 girl ask for really - so I just stopped waiting for THE GUY. A few amazing and fun years passed where I had more great adventures and then at 36, HE walked in the door - or rather I sat down next to him at a gala dinner. He was worth waiting for because he fits, feels like home and is a safe place for me to land every night. It also doesn't hurt that he is cute and makes a FAB chocolate martini!
Enjoy every moment of your singleness - you too are THE SHIT! When you share your single adventures with your grandchildren - they are going to think that Granny HannahBeth is FREAKIN COOL and isn't Grandpa lucky to be with her!
Posted by Diane on April 28, 2006 10:05 AMI'm printing this entry out and hanging it over my desk. Amen, sister-girl.
Posted by Coleen on April 28, 2006 12:28 PMThat is very Zen, and I also think that this conclusion you've come to - "I'm single because I am. Hallelujah." and "My joy is found in Him, no where else, and the moment I accepted that the easier it became to laugh about all the crazy things that happen to me." - puts you far ahead of most people, because you have figured out something. Not the Meaning of Life, exactly, but you have figured out what is the center of your being, what keeps you going and where you can look for comfort. Not everyone gets there.
At the risk of sounding silly, you go girl.
Posted by Meghan on April 28, 2006 04:57 PMWow, couldn't have said it better myself. I'm newly single and people don't seem to understand that I'm content with being single for now and don't want to jump right into another serious relationship. It doesn't make me less of a person and it doesn't make me incomplete. It just is what it is and I'm content.
On a related note, I'm a new reader and I'm so glad to have stumbled across your blog. So many of the other bloggers I read are married with families or in serious relationships. And while that certainly doesn't take away from my enjoyment of their writing, it is a nice change of pace to find someone who's in a similar place in life to where I'm at right now. Thanks for your honesty in writing about what it's like to be a single, 30ish woman, for better or worse. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a great perspective on life and the things that are really important.
Posted by Heather on April 30, 2006 12:47 AMThanks y'all.
Posted by Hannah on May 1, 2006 09:18 AMI was inspired by your entry. I am also recently single in my 30’s after a long and unhappy marriage. When I was young I thought being married, having the house with the white picket fence and two car garage would make me happy. It wasn’t until much later that I realized those things alone can never make you happy. Happiness is only found within yourself.
And when I was not looking for it, I found a great guy. I have to believe God lead me down this path for a reason. You can never appreciate something truly special until you have experienced something truly heartbreaking.
