January 25, 2006
Roller Coaster
It will come as no surprise to regular readers that 2005 was a tough for year for me. A lot of new stresses (mortgage-related, mostly, but relationship-related as well, for sure) were added to my life and I haven't dealt with everything probably as well as I should have. I have a tendency to hide out and pull away (it's the Cancer way), and yes, lash out. I don't like to think that I spent a great deal of the past year sad or unhappy, but when I look back at it, I guess I did.
The guy I recently stopped seeing said to me the other day that it kills him that when I look back on our relationship it's not with fondness, because he has all these great memories of our time together. Memories he will cherish forever. The weekend after we decided to definitely move from friends to more, he drove me up to Rome, Ga. and showed me around his alma mater and we hung out with some of his friends. Traffic was at a dead stop on I-75 and it took us four hours to make the typically 90-minute drive. But we talked nonstop as we sat there on the interstate, surrounded by cars full of families and college kids who were on their way back to the Midwest after Spring Break in Florida. We finally made it to an exit and took back roads, and stopped for directions at a crazy country gas station that sold hot wings and Rebel Flag paraphernalia, like scrunchies. It was an amazing weekend where we realized we could really fall for each other (and did), but that was also the weekend I met the girl he is currently dating (and, ahem, her then-husband), so no, I don't look back at the weekend with any great fondness.
It seems like most of last year is like that - bright rays of sunlight surrounded by clouds. I got to do fun things: I went to Savannah twice (once with him, so scratch that from the happy memory list) and Florida three times. I spent a weekend in Texas with my dad and brother. I went to Puerto Rico and hosted Thanksgiving at my house (two weeks after I was spectacularly dumped and my heart was broken the entire time). I made a responsible choice by investing in my financial future (I hope) and I ran a half-marathon in Nashville. But I was also sad a lot. When Melissa and I got back from Florida, and I was alone in my house after spending an entire week with her, I felt gutted. She is one of the people in the world who loves me down to my soul, and it took a few days to shake the emptiness I felt in her absence. I remember just standing there alone in my living room, Montego still with the dog-sitter, and thinking, "Well, what now?"
I want this year to be different. I want to wake every morning and do things that will make the world better, not just my life better. I want to fall asleep each night knowing I acted as honorably and as kindly as I could have. I don't want to spend even one more minute feeling sorry for myself and bemoaning my current state. But maybe that's unrealistic. Maybe life this is how life is. It's meant to go up and down and up and down and you just figure out how to ride out the downturns, knowing that at any moment, the rollercoaster is going to start climbing again. And then all you can do is hang on.
Posted by hannah at 01:01 PM
