November 28, 2005
Today
I think, for the most part, that I have done a pretty good job of putting on a brave face. I've been social - meeting friends at the gym, for shopping and movies. I try to not talk about him a lot, or vent too much, because what can anyone say? "Sorry you got your heart broken"? I had a nice time with my family this weekend and we did a few touristy Atlanta things, which was fun for me too. They got to see more of the city I now call home and I'm glad. There were a few moments when I stopped to think about being together with my dad and my brother, something that over the past 18 years hasn't happened a lot, and it was all I could do to hold it in. On Thanksgiving my stepmother and I were in the kitchen prepping the food and setting the table, and my dad, brother and sister-in-law were in the living room watching Arrested Development DVDs. Every once in a while my dad and brother would let out these loud, identical laughs - always to the same jokes. To someone from a unbroken family, this might not seem like much, noticing the similarities between a father and a son, but to me it's monumental. I don't even think they realize how alike they really are: if they did, what would keep them divided?
I'm just sad. And I'm tired of being sad. I'm angry. And I'm even more tired of being angry. I know we were never promised an easy life, or a fair life, or a simple life. We were only promised salvation and love. So I try to let go of the sadness and the anger. I try to focus on the gifts I have been given: health, family, friends, creature comforts. Some days simply shifting my focus works splendidly. I laugh and I feel light and easy. But there are other days, like today, when it is all I can do to not cry at my desk. It is all I can do to not call him and beg him to see me - to call off whatever it is that we've decided to do and just go back to how it was before. Back to when there was an us. Though those days were often confusing and not entirely healthy, at least we got to be together and be happy in those quick moments when he was mine and I was his.
Posted by hannah at 03:58 PM
I'm so sorry you're hurting, sweetie. Email me, or come to Philly if you need to get away. Or both.
Posted by Coleen on November 28, 2005 04:02 PMHannah, you're doing an amazing job of keeping it together. I've been reading you for what feels like forever, and I can't tell you how PROUD I am to even know who you are. I mean, you moved to a new city on your own, you worked hard to find your job, your house, your *self*--and look at how well you've done! It may not mean much coming from someone you don't know, but I think you are an amazing person and I know you'll get through this like you always have, with grace, kindness, and time.
peace be with you.
Angie
Posted by Angie on November 28, 2005 08:03 PMLots of love and good thoughts, H.
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