October 27, 2005
The Monster
After maintaining the same weight since Aug. 18 (which was 10.5 lbs higher than the lowest weight I hit one week in April), and not worrying about it too much, I weighed myself today. (Last night my jeans felt tight, and not in a I-just-washed-them way.) I have gained 3.5 lbs in the two weeks since I last weighed-in. So, I signed back up for weightwatchers.com.
Like most, I binge in private. Both in the literal sense – only in my house when I’m the only one in it – and in another sense as well. When I get the urge to eat and eat and eat it’s coming from some dark place in me that I’m usually unaware of. Where that monster lurks and how it can remain dormant for long periods of time before it reaches out to pull me in with a bear claw, I don’t know.
In public I like to impress everyone with how far I’ve come when I ask for a box for the rest of my meal. As I spoon my leftovers into the white Styrofoam container, I anticipate how good it’s going to feel when I get home and am able to gorge myself on the remaining pasta or chicken fingers inside. ‘I deserve it,’ I tell myself. ‘Look how good I did at dinner!’ As if eating the rest of my meal later is somehow acceptable because I didn’t down it all in one bite.
I’ve read stories about the secret eaters, the women who hide Twinkies and Snickers bars under their beds, and I’ve judged them. Thought to myself, “How gross that they can’t even go a little while without a Twinkie that they have to eat one under the covers.” But if anyone were to discover me, eating the meal that I just boxed up shortly before, I would be mortified. If anyone saw me eat an entire bag of Reese’s mini peanut butter cups, it would be hard to hate myself more, but I would manage.
I often find it amazing that my highest weight was only 212, with the massive, massive, quantities of food I am able to devour. Sometimes my lust for food is insatiable. Gluttony is an ugly word. I’d rather say I can be a voracious eater but that’s a lie. My sin, she is gluttony. My theory was (or still is, all too often), why have one Oatmeal Cream Pie when you can have five? Why stop at one when eating the entire box feels so.much.better. Unfortunately, my brain never figured out that it only felt better while I was actively filling my face and the instant that the food was gone, both physical and mental sickness seized me. But regret is weak in the face of sin. Feeling good for a moment, for whatever reason, is more powerful than feeling sick for a hundred.
When I get in these moods – the kind that make me want to ditch everything and just eat till I’m 1,000 pounds – I sometimes don’t know what to do to get out of them. The weight loss sites and tips for depression say: Go for a walk! Drink tea! “Do something for someone else,” my mom would say. (And while it is true that serving someone else will break your self-centeredness faster than anything, it’s certainly not the easiest way out of a funk.)
I don’t know what it is in me that wants to be self-destructive and I guess if I am trying to hurt myself with Halloween candy or cookies that is better than Johnnie Walker or crack, but it’s all self-destructive behavior nonetheless.
I thought I had this thing licked. For almost a year I counted my POINTS and ran a half-marathon and went to classes at the gym. I felt good in clothes, in a bathing suit, with nothing on but a smile. My skin looked better; my hair was shinier; hell, my teeth may even have been whiter. And then I just gave up and everything feels so hard now. I don’t want to wake up early to run. I don’t want to limit myself to 8 ounces of skim milk. I don’t want to do anything but eat – whatever I want, whenever I want it. It’s the monster. The beast that I will have to slay, again and again and again.
Posted by hannah at 03:00 PM
i could have written this.
every word you wrote is me to a t. i don't know why this is our struggle. but it is. and you are correct. we must slay this dragon again and again. probably forever.
i have no words of wisdom, just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.
best of luck to you on your journey.
Posted by mad on October 27, 2005 05:35 PMMaybe you should get out of the US and visit Mexico, any Central American country, or India. There you will see just how large you actually are, and you will finally feel as you should--like a fat American with no willpower whatsoever.
People all over the world are starving and you can't even go without gorging yourself and then trying to get others to feel sorry for you.
Grow up.
Posted by Apalled on October 28, 2005 10:22 AMI know that's supposed to make me feel bad, but wow, it so doesn't. And I'm not deleting it because it's my first flame comment ever, so hey, Appalled can stay.
Posted by Hannah on October 28, 2005 10:34 AMWow. An anonymous flame- how self-confident and mature...
Hannah, I feel you. I also don't have any advice or suggestions, because you know what -I- had to do to lose weight. Actually, one thought, although this may seem ludicrously obvious. My experience has been that when I want to eat and eat, I'm trying to fill that hole inside. Now, I just try to fill the hole with something else. Not the best solution unless your "something else" is something healthy and done in moderation.
Anyway-- I'm just another friend "weighing in" to let you know you're not alone.
Posted by Sunwiggie on October 28, 2005 11:29 AMHannah - reading this reminded me of a show I saw once where people actually would gorge themselves in their sleep. It might be something clinical. Have you considered therapy? Also - you can't eat it if it isn't there. I've been making an attempt to fill my cabinets with healthy stuff - nuts, seeds, popcorn, organic vegetables, so when I do feel starved it is the only thing there. If you eat that stuff for long enough maybe you would eventually lose the "taste" for oatmeal pies. But I don't really have a sweet tooth so I can only guess.
Climb back on that horse, girl. You have come so far! I can identify b/c I was at my highest weight ever three months ago and now after working out EVERY day and altering my diet and consciousness I have hit a plateau. It stinks - so easy to pack on and so hard to take off.
Posted by Lois on October 28, 2005 11:55 AMWow - I am appalled by Apalled. People can be so ignorant.
Hannah, you're not alone. I think everyone feels this way at some point. It's not like you come with a book of instructions or anything, and an easy-to-follow, step-by-step plan to snap yourself out of a funk. I think we just live each day one at a time, and try to deal with it.
Whatever works - snapping yourself out of eating by putting pictures on the fridge, sealing food into portion-control containers, putting a "deposit" money jar in the kitchen for getting food out after-hours, going for a walk (ugh), re-wallpapering the house, calling a friend - everyone has a different thing! I have no idea what mine is yet.
Stupid food. Let the waiter/waitress take it away at the end of the meal and don't take it home.
All the best...
Posted by NoodleJen on October 28, 2005 12:09 PMEat it, Appalled. I'm so over the Internet, I'd chew off your face if you weren't too chicken to show it.
H, it's just a slump. Not The End. Just part of the whole process. You already know that being healthy is something you're capable of doing. You've proved it! Maybe you'll be up and down forever -- so what? Lots of people are. You know what works for you and how to get on track.
Posted by Al on October 28, 2005 05:40 PMHi, Hannah. I've read your site off and on for years and have always enjoyed following your success. I, too, could have written the entry above. I'm mortified to find out I've gained back 12 lbs. in 3 months. Regardless, I think that just getting back to the routine will eventually remind you of how much better it feels when you are on a routine. At least, I'm hoping it works - for you and me! Good luck with your efforts - and know you aren't alone in your struggles.
Posted by JenE on October 28, 2005 06:28 PMNice to see Apalled has problems with size issues as well. In their case small balls.
I appeciate your honest writing H.
Posted by Phil on October 28, 2005 11:59 PMHannah, I have a similar problem. Right now I'm in the throes of overeating, even though I've recently lost several pounds and want to keep on losing. Once I start eating the brownies or peanut butter M&Ms, I cannot stop.
I've found I have to approach it like an alcoholic or drug addict would. I simply cannot have that first bite. If I do, then I will overeat. I don't fool myself into thinking I won't. Some people can have just one Oreo and feel satisfied. I can't. Now, this only goes for certain foods. I keep a list and try to avoid them, but I don't always. But I do know what will happen if I have them. It sucks, but I do know how to stop it, and I have done it in the past, and I will again, so there's always hope.
You've done fabulously, Hannah. This is just a temporary setback in a long journey.
Posted by Jennifer Z. on October 29, 2005 02:43 PMYou've described me to a T, Hannah. Thank you for sharing. "Apalled", Sit down, STFU, and open a dictionary, because I'm appalled at how easy it is for you to sit in front of your monitor and point condescendingly at others, when you obviously have many, many faults. Watch that sharp tongue of yours, jackass, lest you cut yourself on it.
Posted by Sithean on October 30, 2005 05:41 PMWell said Sithean! Keep your head up Hannah. I think you've done an amazing job. Like Al said, lots of people go up and down with their weight, myself included, and We ALL have our weak moments...just keep swimming! =)
Posted by Monique on November 2, 2005 05:33 PM
