I really don’t want Derek to weigh me tomorrow. It’ll just be too too depressing.

This is a long hard road for me, and I know I can’t expect to just turn around 24 years of eating habits overnight. I need to be more realistic than that. But it’s hard and embarrassing and I feel like a big failure. But he’s not a psychologist and perhaps he didn’t sign up to deal with people with eating disorders. I don’t know. I don’t know what is too much to tell him. He is a nutritionist, so it’s his job to deal with what and how I eat. But maybe some things aren’t his domain. I just don’t know.

I mean, how many people feel like they should go to therapy and how many people actually go? Should I go? Sometimes I think so. Sometimes I just don’t know. I’m sure if my insurance covered it I’d run there. But why do I think I have enough money to join 2 gyms, and have a cell phone, and a sizeable car payment, and shop all the damn time, but not enough money to do something about my mental health? Is it not just as important as my physical? Especially when my physical is so intricately tied to my mental? And what about my spiritual health? Who do I tell – I know the truth, I just choose to ignore it. Is that okay? Please tell me God’s wrath for those who know Him yet choose to turn away isn’t so bad? That maybe I’ll at least get a penthouse in hell? 

Do other people my age struggle with these things? Are there any other non-practicing Christians out there? And I don’t just mean people raised in a church, or confirmed Catholic etc. I mean those of you who felt like they had a personal relationship with him, and then sort of broke it off? I remember in high school I was alive for God. And then it just stopped. Went away. I got sick of not running my own life, of letting Him lead me to live, and I quit.

Man, I really am a quitter. First dance, then piano, then swimming, and then God. Is there anything in my life that I truly loved that I haven’t quit? Perhaps Lige was right - I am innately a cheater. I can’t stay committed to anything. That doesn’t bode well for my future relationships.

I guess these are the kinds of things I could talk about with someone. Why do I have no dedication, why do I quit everything, why am I not determined enough to see things through? 

Maybe it’s because I’ve never really hungered for anything in my life. It’s all come so easily, so readily. There hasn’t been any sort of struggle to achieve anything. This job is probably the first thing I’ve ever really longed for, thought was out of reach, and then finally, finally got. But the actual work? Pretty much cake. The hardest part is getting myself to sit down and do it. Once I do? The words just come. Some things are easier than others are, sure, but I’m not busting my balls like Sara or others here. I have my own bubble that I just exist in. Whittling my time away with words.