After a million flight snafus on Thursday, (mostly Miranda's) I got into Vegas around 9 p.m. I'd never flown in after dark before and it was simply amazing. It looked like a glittering Atlantis rising up from the darkness. Cheesy, but fitting, yes?
My friend met me at the gate and we cabbed it over to the Flamingo. Now, why would the driver ask which way you want to go? You're picking me up at the airport clearly, I'm not from here. Clearly I don't know the best way to get to the hotel.
That night we kept it pretty DL, just grabbing a quick bite before heading over to our future second home, the Sahara, to gamble.
I was up $30 at one point (a profit of 150% mind you) but ended up cashing out up $3. Still, for me, $17 for a couple hours of entertainment and free drinks? [Uh, where did I get $17? I was up three, not down. Math is hard!] I got them.
Back at Bugsy's Bar some girl hit on me and that was sort of fun. Funny. I meant funny.
The next morning I got up stupidly early because my body clock was three hours ahead. But see, I knew Miranda would be awake too and since we had connecting rooms, I knocked on the shared door and we ordered room service. Belgium waffles and mimosas. The perfect pajama breakfast! When the guy brought the cart I started giggling and when he left I said to Miranda: "You know there's only bed unmade, right?" Hee.
We got out to the pool around 10:30 and it was packed. Seriously, most of those jags must've gotten out there around 8 a.m. And not pretty Malibu Barbie bikini packed either. Like middle America and There's Something About Mary's neighbor packed.
Every slice of the country was at the pool that
day and I soon realized I should have zero problem walking about in my black
tankini. And when I say every slice, I mean it. But the only people who really
annoyed me were the kids who must cannonball right next to me and the mean
family who let their 10-month-old get sunburned and who turned their back
on same said burned baby and he almost tipped over in his floaty thing.
The Drink Lady came by and Miranda and I sat in the pool and drank strawberry margaritas. It wasn't even yet 11 a.m. and we were on drink number two. How much do I love just charging things to the room? It's dangerous, but decadent, and as that was the word for the weekend, we indulged. Frequently.
We staked out our lounge chairs and hopped up to the pool grill for salads and shade, giant Flamingo glasses still parked in hand.
For the next few hours, add one Hannah and repeat drinking and swimming. Repeat well into the afternoon. We went down the waterslide! I miss Splashtown.
Since
a meeting of the Hannahs without queso would've been sacrilege, the other
Hannah found this Mexican restuarant voted Best Queso and we put it on our
To Do List. It was located in the Fiesta Hotel. Gee, Hannah, where's that?
Far, far away. In the part of town even the Griswolds won't go.
Just don't leave the strip, okay? There's nothing
out there but scary places where you can get your tires changed in a topless
bar and a giant outlet mall looking casino called Texas Station.
They had a faux oil rig, cause y'all know it ain't Tejas without one, right?
Right.
But the margaritas were good and I got a better of idea of what Reno looks like.
Y'all, if I continue this play by play, we'll be here for years.
So let me just tell you that Everything I Needed to Know, I Learned in Vegas:
- Betting two dollars at the $1 table is better than two dollars at the $2 table, but not as good as $3 at the $2 table. Did you get that?
- Order a drink everytime the Drink Lady comes around because she's going to be so slow that you'll have no problem finishing before she's back.
- T will always find a way to talk to the chef. The place we ate Saturday night, Star Canyon (inside the amazingly beautiful Venetian Hotel), had names of Texas towns written into the tiles on the ceiling. We didn't see Spring, but since they had Kingwood and Bay View, we knew it had to be up there. T goes off to the restroom and comes walking back with an employee. We agreed that he was either a waiter showing her the Spring tile or the chef. Somehow she'd managed to run into the chef and he told her how he made the crust on his tamale tart.
- 105 is hot. Humidity or no. But it's not uncomfortable and it can be quite nice, the way the sun warms you all the way through. But don't let anyone tell you it ain't hot.
- Penguins? They don't like hot. We thought they were animatronic until we saw a couple swimming. They wouldn't be so hot if they weren't so dressed up. . . . Ba dum bum.
- It's always 15 till fish taco.
- I took like four photos. Me! The photo queen.
What went wrong? Okay,actually, it was like a whole roll, but to me, that's
like four. And it seems like half of them are of this crazy $185,000 wooden
Ferrari to send to my friend's dad.
(He
told me it was really a boat. I'm not sure I believe him. Wait a minute.
That is so not a boat. It's just the world's giantest model car, right?
Right?)
- When I start losing, I get grumpy. I was down $20, so I cashed in another $20 bill and started getting pouty. I was told I couldn't start complaining until I'd really lost. Because the guy five tables down who just lost his mortgage payment doesn't care about the girl who lost fifteen dollars.
- Put drinking and swimming together and suddenly it's a frat party.
- The Barbary Coast is the saddest casino in the world.
- If you use a fake id to gamble, you will get caught. Hannah and I are at our favorite $2 table when these very young looking guys sit next to us. When they try to order, Drink Lady asks if they've been carded. "Not yet," they answer. (Mistake one.) She calls the Boss over and he looks at their ids. Okay, the first guy? The back of his id was blank. BLANK. The second guy? Didn't take it out of his wallet. I think we've all seen enough made-for-t.v. movies to see how this ends. Hannah and I were so not paying attention to our game, as we were all eavesdropping and staring. But it was so cool! Then we told Nick, the Boss, how we were all distracted by the fake i.d. business and he got all offended and said "I don't like kids gambling" like we thought he made up the law or something.
- Oh, and if you're a girl,expect to be carded. And if you're 30 and with me? Expect to be carded.
- If you've placed a bet and the cards are being dealt, don't get up to pee (Hannah) and if you're given the option of taking back your bet when said thing happens, do it.
Presents
are fun. They're even more fun when you get to drink 2-for-1 bloody marys
while opening them. (How can you go wrong with a Britney Spears doll,
a tiara and lots of books? You can't. That's how.)
- Just when you thought you'd seen the tackiest, you see tackier. That, my friends, is the glory of Vegas.
- The Big Shot is scary. There's just no sugar coating it. And I don't even really have a thing about heights, but when you're bobbing up and down on a big pole (quit it) with nothing around you, all you really want is to just get down. (See, I almost said "get off.")
- Don't bother Daddy while he's playing craps. Flip flop on the hocus pocus!
- Handicap showers are never sexy.
- If you wear a tiara, people will stare, but only because they're jealous that you're a princess. Or they'll just ask if you got married.
- Cab drivers are crazy. Some of them will try to kill you, some of them will yell at you for going back to the hotel at 1 a.m. and some of them will tell you silly jokes. (Did you know that Vegas is the only place with gambling in the landrymat? You can lose your shirt before you wash it! I was the only person who thought this was funny.)
- If you start singing carnival music whenever you see Circus, Circus you'll be singing it the rest of your life.
- When you have to take your shoes off and walk through the tacky Stratosphere strip mall, your friends won't care. And when you pass another girl with aching feet, shoes in hand, she'll give you a little wink and a thumbs up.
- Even in Vegas, wearing velvet in June is tacky.
- The saddest sort in the world are the folks playing slots in the airport.
- The Bellagio is nice. But even they can't keep out chain-smoking jean cut-off wearing bleached blondes. A hundred dollar chip is a hundred dollar chip, fool.
- Always double down on 11. No, really. Always.
- If it's your birthday and you're me, you too might get a hat trick of blackjacks.
- If also you're me, you still won't see anyone famous, even if it is a fight weekend.
It was such a great trip, and I became a super sad puppy when it was time to leave. Why must everyone I love live so far away? Really now.
I'll get back to Vegas again, as I've STILL never seen zee vite tigers, but it won't be soon, that's for sure. I too broke!
I need a nap.
The notify wants a pool with penguins. Animatronic or not.