I put in the CD and exhale.
The early chords of Lonely Girls fill my room. I lay down on my bed, and bury my face in the pillow where his scent still lingers.
I open myself up to the sounds - craving nothing but a cigarette, cheap beer and lips whispering in my ear.
Flashes of the moment I first heard this song come rushing back. Austin Music Hall - March 2001. We stood, mere feet from the stage, and under the white light, with her braided blonde hair and firey pants seducing us all, she sang.
And the world stopped.
I was hot, and even with my long hair pulled back, my neck was still sticky with sweat and smoke. A perspiring can of Dos XXs soaked through its napkin and I exhaled long and slow, smoke drifting to the ceiling, mixing with her songs. Even in a crush of people, I felt totally alone. She and I filled the room.
And then she sang - "Baby, sweet baby, you're my drug." And I knew. I knew I'd be waiting there for more. I'd be waiting by his door. On his back steps. I'd wait in my car. I'd wait at any bar. I'd be waiting for his essence.
And by the second chorus I was singing with her. And I didn't know yet what this song would mean to me. I didn't know anything. Before that, I was just a girl. Just a girl searching.
And I found it there. In that giant music hall, crushed into people, surrounded by lovers kissing, music lovers swaying lost in her sound, strangers reaching for each other in the dark, their fingertips grazing, the chemistry strong enough to see. But those secret touches were enough to fill me up.
And when I hear it now, for the first time again in its entirety since that weekend. God. It makes me want to die. To die. I'm so filled up with it all. With love, lust, longing and sweet, sweet sadness. And everything's going to be okay.
Oh god, Lucinda's just made everything all right.
And all I want to do is list all these lyrics for you. Write down all the titles and list them and tell you what they do to me. The way they break my heart. How - when I hear them I can imagine the touch of love. It feels like a lover cupped your face, kissed your eyelashes and stole your soul.
Like the wind traced its fingertips over your lips and told you her secrets.
Lucinda told me a secret that night and if you listen hard enough, to her simple chords and haunting lyrics, maybe you'll hear it too.
Come on, join the notify. Lucinda wants you to.