I used to think that the words I needed to hear most were "I love you." I dreamt girlish dreams of the moment he would smooth back my hair and with a finger still resting on my cheekbone, quietly say it.
But now I'm a woman. And I've heard it.
I used to dream adolescent fairy tales of finally saying it, and meaning it. I wanted to say it in that moment - the instant your eyes lock and your heart leaps up and you exhale "I love you," almost painfully, the words the last thing to escape your lungs.
But now I'm a woman. And I've said it.
I used to crave those days when my ears would capture a husky voice growling "I want you," in that dark, hurried, hungry way. My memories of those words are always tangled up in flashes of red. When you're pushed up against a wall and his paws are gripping your waist, his lips brushing your neck and you can feel how much he wants you. Feel it in the way his fingertips hurt as they dig in. Feel it in his hot skin and quickened pulse. Feel it as he breathes into your mouth and your body stretches out to meet his. I want you. I want you now.
And I've heard that.
I've loved saying it. Saying it as I pull him down on top of me, our legs slipping through each others, his hands lost in my hair. Saying it as I crawl over to him, climb onto his lap and pull his mouth up to mine, my breath so fast I almost suffocate. "I want you," I'd breathe.
I've said it.
But now. . . now I realize all I really want to hear is "I need you."
Not that I need you to make me happy. Or need you to complete me. Or need you to fill me up with something I can't find or get on my own. I don't need you because my blood boils and rings in my ears whenever I find the smell of you.
I need you because I choose to need you. I choose to want you. I choose to love you.
He'll hold my hands between his, and with his face inches from mine, say - I need you because you make my life brighter, healthier, more fun. I need you, because without you I'm happy, but with you, I'm alive.
I need you because you make me laugh. You make me a better man. I need you because you need me. Because I see you growing. I see how I make your life better and that's incomparable.
Maybe sometimes I won't like you very much. Sometimes you'll want to pinch me. I'll annoy you. You'll boss me and I'll do the opposite of what you say out of spite. We'll make each other angry. Maybe sometimes I'll even hate you a little. But I'll still need you.
I'll always need you.
Perhaps I'm still a dreaming girl because I dream up things no man would ever say.
And maybe he won't be that articulate. Maybe instead, one night as I drift off to sleep, safe in his bed, he'll trace "I need you" on my back with his finger, and then pull me into him before whispering "You make my life better."
Then I'll turn over, and after he brushes my hair back from my face, his pinky still resting on my cheekbone, he'll whisper "I love you."
The notify knows I need it.
