So what if we're 25 (well Mo is, I'm just a baby), and still single? So what if we might not be what you'd call dating experts? We're close.
So listen up. We're gonna clue y'all in.
How do you find a loving, mature, honest coupledom?
No clue.
Can we spot a bitter, immature, smooth-talking boy? From five football fields away.
'Cause we don't know what keeps a relationship together, but we definitely know what keeps them apart.
There are a lot of obvious "red flags." Abusive, emotionally vacant, married, lives at home.
But there other signs that are more subtle. Lucky for y'all, we've sussed them out.
We'd like to say these are all third party stories, but well, we can't.
Laugh at our pain and we'll sic one of these losers on you.
He asks about your fairly-innocent drug history, and he says, "I hope that doesn't come up later in my career."
When you meet his parents for the first time, they call you Allison.
He tells you his marriage is only legal in Colombia.
He flashes a lot of cash but assures you he's not a "serious" drug dealer or anything like that.
He says his ideal type is "really little" and brunette. Riiiight, cause that describes me to a T, asshole.
He plays soccer for the Dallas Burn and the only reason you remember what he looks like is because you saw him on ESPN2.
You wake up alone in a hotel room, the phone's turned off, you have no cab money and you're wearing a backless shirt. Oh, and it's Sunday.
His pickup line is: "You wanna stop by for some chips and salsa later?"
He's in the Navy.
He can't pick between you and your roommate.
He ditches you at 11:59 p.m. on New Year's Eve.
You haven't even gone on a date yet, and he's criticizing you for being friends with your ex.
He tries to lose the girl he brought home from the bar at his own after-hours just to be with you.
He tells the same sorta funny joke. 20 times. In a hour.
He's using you for your dog, kiddie pool and beer.
He tells you he stopped calling because he sort of got a girlfriend. But it's okay because they haven't had sex yet.
He makes you take the bus home.
You speak no Spanish. He speaks no English. But he's skinny dipping in your hotel pool anyway.
He dumps you for his ex. For the 10th time.
He takes you to Denny's for dinner. And he uses a coupon.
He locks the door so his girlfriend can't come in.
When you ask him what his dad does he looks at you and says, "You don't know who my father is??" Wait, your last name's not Skywalker is it? Then no.
He makes fun of Texas.
.
