For Better — Wedded Wednesday
The card that was with my Valentine’s flowers: Johanna, Thank you for being such a wonderful wife. In the chili of life, you are my Fritos and cheese—the perfect addition. You are a truly giving and loving person. I am very lucky to have you!
The other day I read a blog post by a single, Christian woman asking if she was “missing something” about marriage. That so many of her married Christian friends just talked about how HARD marriage was—how much work, sacrifice, etc. it was. “Am I missing something?” she asked. “Isn’t marriage supposed to be a picture of Christ and the church. . .? Shouldn’t it be, you know, sort of great?”
It was a “duh” moment for me.
Maybe in my attempt to paint a true picture, to be sensitive to my single friends, I’ve actually done a disservice.
So let me just set the record straight—marriage is great. It’s pretty awesome, actually. To be partnered with someone who is FOR you, is a gift, a balm, a solace, a wonder. Getting to spend time with your favorite person—doing life with someone who knows you and loves you anyway—it doesn’t get better.
This past weekend Aaron and I ran a bunch of errands (moving in two weeks!) and did chores and packed boxes and argued over how many DVDs to keep, and we had a fantastic time doing it. I remember that Teri once told me that it’s important to find someone you can just have fun going to Home Depot with, because that’s a lot of what marriage is—the day to day, mundane stuff. If you can have fun doing all the chores of life with your spouse, you’re going to have a happier life, an easier marriage.
So yes, it’s work. Yes, it can be hard. But yes, it’s worth it. Yes, it’s great. Yes, it’s a miracle.
Like a Casserole — Wedded Wednesday
They say marriage is like a casserole—only the person making it knows what’s in it. So in that vein, I thought it would be fun to invite some other married folk to share their wisdom and stories for Wedded Wednesday.
Joanne is a former Easter Coaster come Midwesterner who married in her mid-30s and had kids in quick succession. Joanne is mom to 3. Wife to 1. Friend to many. (You can follow Joanne at one of her kids’ blogs [she maintains one for each of them!] Her eldest’s is anthonyjoseph2005.blogspot.com.
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My husband and I will be married six years in July, but we always joke that it “feels like 60″! We have three kids under five and sometimes our days are long, filled with many laughs, but also many cries and whines and dramatic, tearful recriminations. Many days in the last six years, I have thought, “Really, God? THIS is my calling? My destiny?” But it is my destiny, and it is my calling. I don’t think you get to choose your vocation. When I was a single person, and my friends were getting married around me, I’d think the same thing “THIS is my calling?” I’m supposed to be single, to never have kids?” I always thought I wanted to be a wife and mother, and now that I am, I am ashamed of the amount of time I waste still questioning if I am in the right place.
My sister and I were talking the other day about how we felt about our lives. She was staying with me while my husband was away for the weekend, as I needed some help with the kids, especially around bedtime. I think she was surprised at how hard it all was, how frustrated one can get when a two year old tells you NO! for the 100th time that day, when the baby cries and cries when she is overtired, and how heartbreaking it can be when the four year old who has autism cries and cries, because he can’t tell you what he needs or wants. I told her, I am often unhappy, but I am never unsatisfied. Then later I thought I am worried, but I am not hopeless. I am tired, but I am never defeated.
I really feel like God chose my husband for me. I feel like I am married to the right person. I never doubt that I am where I am supposed to be, with him. It’s such a comfort to me, as everything else around me might be blowing up (or feeling like that, anyway), that I will always be married to him.
I know it can sound silly in the secular world, but I am really trying to have my marriage be a reflection of the Holy Family. I try and think about Mary and Joseph and how many doubts they must have had, before Jesus was born and after. I wonder, did Mary get annoyed by Joseph not turning his socks right side out before he put them in the laundry? ( I don’t think so, and not just because they didn’t have socks or washing machines.) When I am annoyed with whatever transgression I think my husband has committed (usually it’s of the laundry persuasion), I try and think about my wedding vows. I think that I promised to love and cherish FOREVER. I didn’t promise to love and cherish when times were good, or when I wasn’t so tired, I promised to love and cherish FOREVER.
Our son Anthony has autism, and although we have had some dark moments, like when he was first diagnosed, and right before he was first diagnosed, our life with him is happy. Some quote the rate of divorce among parents of children with autism as being as high as 80 percent, which I just. . .I can’t believe it. This article quotes Jenny McCarthy, the mother of an (allegedly) autistic son, from an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2007. She says:
“I felt very alone in my marriage.” Jenny says her husband dealt with his pain by staying away, even when Evan was in the hospital. “He never sat down and said, ‘What did you find out on Google?’” she says. “There was never that connection of wanting to know and being there.”
With his child? He never wanted to know or be there? I think that Jenny McCarthy and her husband may have had bigger problems than just the fact that their son had autism.
I remember a few years ago, someone asked me for advice about marriage. “Pick someone good”, I told her, and I meant it. Of course you should be kind, and say please and thank you and don’t go to bed mad, and all of that. But really, the best advice you can get is to pick someone good. And if you are a person who believes in God, and who believes that God loves you and wants the best for you, let God pick someone good for you.
Teammates — Wedded Wednesday
On Valentine’s Day, a couple married 85 years answered questions about marriage via Twitter. It’s truly an awesome little read, but there was one line that jumped out at me:
“Remember marriage is not a contest––never keep score. God put the two of you together on the same team to win.”
It was that second sentence that smacked me across the face. God put us on the same team to WIN.
You’d think I would’ve already connected those dots, but I admit to you, I had not.
I often keep score, mostly related to stupid things like chores. That’s pretty dumb though. I mean, if you stay married for 85 years and that is one of your top pieces of advice, then, yeah, I’m taking it. (They said that at the end of the day this was the most important thing to remind themselves—that they’re on the same team. Most important thing.)
But you don’t keep score against your teammate. You rack up points together. To win.
So from here on out, no more me vs. him scorecards. A few ways I am going to try to keep in mind that we’re on the same team, and how to live that out:
1. Say thank you. Two little words with big impact.
2. Keep a servant attitude. Jesus didn’t turn to his disciples and say, “OK, I washed your feet, now what do I get in return?” Do things without expectation of something in return. Do them to do them.
3. Remember that this person wants me to succeed. Because my success is his success.
4. On that same note remember that his success is MY success. And a man encouraged is a man invigorated.
Why keep ourselves on the same team, no matter what? Because it’s what we promised …
Choose Well — Wedded Wednesday
The best way to have a good marriage is to pay attention to the character of the person that you married.
The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about this matter, in fact. The spouse you choose can make or break your life.
Proverbs 21 says that it’s better to live on the corner of a roof than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home (9) and that it’s also better to live alone in the desert than with a complaining wife (19).
And though it says “wife” (and believe me I take that to heart, because I do not want to be that kind of person), I think it goes either way.
Better to be single—forever even—than to marry the wrong person. Than to marry someone who will make your life harder, not better. Better to live on the roof, Proverbs tells us, than in a mansion with a bad spouse.
And I know that’s easy to say from this side of marraige vows, but I have to tell you that though I am married to a good man, a man with character who is not quarrelsome or a complainer, that marriage is still hard. So why stack the deck against yourself?
I have been coming back to this draft all day, trying to expand on what I’ve written above, but I guess I don’t really have much more to say about it than this: Choose well. Choose carefully. Your life depends on it.
Make Good Choices
On Wednesday night Aaron and I had our first selection meeting for our new house. We met with the builder and picked out a whole host of things: our exterior paint color (right now it’s between two different shades of blue-gray), shingle color (who knew?), cabinet style, cabinet hardware, granite, sink faucets and door knobs.
It was really fun. She had boards full of knobs and pulls and handles and we just pointed out what we wanted. A lot of it requires good visualization and remembering things like — okay oak goes with black which goes with nickel, and keeping in mind the things you can’t change. (Like the trim that goes around every door and window, regardless of the room or what else is in it, etc.)
It went pretty quickly, because either I had a clear idea of what I wanted and Aaron didn’t care, or we were agreed from the get go.
When we were wrapping up, the builder said, “You guys did a really good job. You didn’t go for any upgrades, and you also didn’t get into any uncomfortable arguments in front of me.” I laughed and said thanks, and then asked her if couples often got into arguments in front of her. She kind of smiled and said, “I guess some people don’t talk about what they like before the meeting or they have really different ideas of what they like.”
It’s a weird thing to be proud of, but I was proud of us.
The best choice I ever made was choosing someone with whom making all of life’s other choices — big and small — is easy.
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Compassion
