Don’t Be Bitter, Baby

If you’ve spent any amount of time on an infertility or TTC message board (and maybe you have or maybe you haven’t) you know that encountering bitterness is unavoidable.

It’s evident in the tone of the posts—”Maybe you’re hurting with X, but I, I am hurting with Y. And until you’ve experienced Y, you better not whine about X.”

In Pastor Mark Driscoll’s spiritual warfare lecture he says that bitterness is where acts of malice take root: “If you fail to repent of bitterness, it escalates until there’s all kinds of malice.”

Bitterness robs us of joy. It makes us feel entitled. Prideful. (Our pain is the worst. Our situation is the worst. That may not seem like pride, but believe me, it is.)

And sometimes, sometimes, I find myself falling prey to bitterness. We’re coming up on two years of trying to conceive. Both actively—charting and timing and temping—and inactively, just not standing in the way. So sometimes, I think, oh, you’ve been trying only six months? Six months in I was still hopeful pregnancy was just around the corner. Six months in and I was deluded into thinking that it was okay if my jeans were a little tight, because soon I’d be in maternity pants anyway.

And if there is one thing I don’t want to become, it is bitter. I do not want my life robbed of joy.

Recently, a regular poster (who has been TTC just a few months shy of Aaron and me) posted a question wondering if she was the only one to have never at least conceived. Several other women said that no, they never had either. (Despite many years and many treatments for some of them.) Until one poster commented that she’d rather never have conceived than to have experienced loss, and then there was some debate about that. (The prideful dance of whose pain is worst.)

My thought at the time was that, yes, in some ways it is comforting to know that once, at least once, sperm met egg and a miracle occurred. And yet. And the more I thought about it, the analogy I came up with is that debating whether it’s better to never have conceived or to have conceived and lost a pregnancy is asking whether it’s better to have your left leg amputated or your right. Either way, you’re out a leg.

But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about our angel baby, I realized that I would rather have had her for the brief time we did than to not have had her at all. Because for a brief time, I got to tell people that I was pregnant. I got to see two pink lines. I got to see my husband’s eyes fill with happy tears when he heard the news. I got to dream of a life where 1+1=3, even if just for a little while.

And maybe I would think differently if I’d had a later loss. Or, if like Steven Curtis Chapman, I had a child in heaven, not just an angel baby. But maybe not. It’s cliche, to say tis better to love and lost than to never have loved at all, but cliche or not, I feel that way.

So on this journey, I make an effort to squash those bitter feelings. To be happy and amazed, rather than irritated, when I hear of folks who get pregnant on “accident.” Or when people start panicking after 3-4 cycles. Because none of that has anything to do with me, with us, with the road that we’re on. This is our journey, and I choose for it to be joyful.

Teammates — Wedded Wednesday

On Valentine’s Day, a couple married 85 years answered questions about marriage via Twitter. It’s truly an awesome little read, but there was one line that jumped out at me:

“Remember marriage is not a contest––never keep score. God put the two of you together on the same team to win.”

It was that second sentence that smacked me across the face. God put us on the same team to WIN.

You’d think I would’ve already connected those dots, but I admit to you, I had not.

I often keep score, mostly related to stupid things like chores. That’s pretty dumb though. I mean, if you stay married for 85 years and that is one of your top pieces of advice, then, yeah, I’m taking it. (They said that at the end of the day this was the most important thing to remind themselves—that they’re on the same team. Most important thing.)

But you don’t keep score against your teammate. You rack up points together. To win.

So from here on out, no more me vs. him scorecards. A few ways I am going to try to keep in mind that we’re on the same team, and how to live that out:

1. Say thank you. Two little words with big impact.

2. Keep a servant attitude. Jesus didn’t turn to his disciples and say, “OK, I washed your feet, now what do I get in return?” Do things without expectation of something in return. Do them to do them.

3. Remember that this person wants me to succeed. Because my success is his success.

4. On that same note remember that his success is MY success. And a man encouraged is a man invigorated.

Why keep ourselves on the same team, no matter what? Because it’s what we promised …

So Be Truly Glad

The morning of surgery — as we were driving in the dark at 4:45 am on our way to hospital — I checked my e-mail one last time from my phone. I had a message from Lauren that said she’d been reading her Bible when a verse jumped out at her and she prayed over it for me.

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure trials for a little while. These trials show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold — though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7

As I read that in the darkness of our car, as Aaron sped down the interstate, tears rolled down my face. I read it aloud to him and I said a prayer of thanks for faithful sisters in Christ.

Our future as parents (or as nonparents) remains to be seen. But I pray to be the kind of Christian that Peter writes about. Will my faith remain strong through this trial — through future trials I have yet to face? Am I being faithful because I hope that God will reward me? Or am I being faithful because I want to see God glorified?

And that’s the question. Is this suffering for me? To bring me fame or hits or sympathy? Or is for Him? Am I pointing you to Him?

I truly believe that Aaron and I will be parents. I feel it and I see it. I don’t know how or when, but I know it’s coming. I know that there is wonderful joy ahead.

I pray that when we get there that we won’t forget how God upheld us in this time. How, in this time, I wanted you to see Him in it. When we’re out of this trial, when we’re immersed in the joy of parenthood, will we forget to keep pointing you to Him?

I certainly don’t long for additional trials. I don’t want to keep being tested. But I am grateful for them. For the chance to be refined.

love.mercy.action.

The message this month at church has been from the book of Micah, specifically Micah 6:8.

The Israelites were wrestling with God. They felt far from Him. They wondered: What more do you want from us, God? More offerings of calves? More sacrifices of rams? Our firstborn sons??

But the prophet Micah says: Oh he has shown you oh man, what the Lord God requires: do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.

The verse doesn’t tell us to like justice or to have a healthy appreciation for it. To just respect it. Micah tells us to DO justice. To do what is right. To act justly. It’s a call to arms—a call to action.

The scripture doesn’t say to just to be merciful when it’s easy; when it’s convenient. It says that God requires us to love mercy.

It is one of my life verses. It’s a verse I carry in my heart. And though I often fail on all three requirements, I keep trying.

Justice is a tricky thing. Oh how we want it when we’ve been wronged. But oh how we long for mercy from the judge when we’ve wronged.

And thankfully He is merciful. And thankfully—oh so thankfully—He is JUST. There is so much in this world that is unfair. (So much.) There are situations that make me shake with the sheer injustice of them. But the ultimate judge sits on the throne. And I leave it to Him to ultimately right the wrongs of this world.

So what He has shown us that He requires isn’t so hard after all. We’ve been given the perfect example.

Writer’s Block

I haz it.

I have about 5 drafts in my Wordpress dashboard — courtship story and a wedded Wednesday and other random things. But I just can’t finish them!

It’s winter and I am ready for the spring– for newness and rebirth and light.

But I’m good — feeling almost totally back to normal (better even), the house construction is clicking along and I have never been so thankful and in love with my husband.

keep looking »

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