Monday Morning

Our office is closed today, so I get to spend the day with my mom unpacking and organizing. It’s such a blessing to have her help! Even with movers, it still took us all day long on Saturday (and a few trips Friday night and Sunday morning) to get everything over to the new place. We had a lot more than I thought crammed into that little rental house.

I’ve never lived anywhere this nice, and I still sort of can’t believe it. I feel like we snuck into this neighborhood, and they’re going to discover that we’re frauds and boot us out! The first night, when we walked all four dogs, I was glad it was dark so none of our neighbors could see us, the Bumpuses.

Sometimes we get good and perfect gifts from our Father. Things we don’t deserve, but he gives them anyway. And that’s what this house is. A good and perfect gift that we don’t deserve. When it was being built, I wandered around the frames and prayed that He would allow us to use it to bless others. Send us children God, however you choose to send them, to fill these rooms.

It was kind of a wonky Easter weekend, with the moving, but we made it to the 6 pm service yesterday, and Pastor Bob said that because of Easter, because of Jesus, we have a trusted guide. Someone who will direct our paths, if we acknowledge Him with our lives. That sometimes we get impatient, because things don’t happen as we’d like them to, when we’d like them. He referenced jobs and relationships, but of course I sat there and thought of children. There is nothing else in the world that is as out of hands as getting pregnant or having children. We can prevent it, yes, but we can’t make it happen: not with all the science in the world. We can help, for sure, but just ask the women whose stories I’ve read of three, four, five failed IVF cycles. It is what it is, as we say around here.

But because of Easter, because my Redeemer lives, I have a God who is for me. Who promises me hope. So I will cling to that hope and trust in the knowledge that He is FOR me.

“In all things, we know that, we are more than conquerers. You keep us by your love.” — Christy Nockels, “Healing is In Your Hands”

Here I Am to Worship

“I live to worship You. Here I am, worshiping You. With all I am, worshiping You.” Deluge, “Worshiping You”

I recently took a spiritual growth assessment called Monvee that aims to help you learn what kind of learner you are, how you connect with God, as well as your personality type.

There are many ways people connect with God—being in his creation, Bible study, intellect, prayer, serving others. And worship. It came as no surprise to me that my pathway is worship, as many of the most memorable, defining moments in my relationship with God have occurred when I am worshiping him.

“Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God, you are higher than any other.” Chris Tomlin, “Our God”

When I was still on my road back to Him, I would occasionally attend service at a Vineyard church in Columbus, Ohio. One Sunday they sang what I know now is a Third Day song (and I can’t even remember the song, so that should tell you that it’s not about the lyrics or the melody, it’s about the connection), and I was so overcome that I had to sit down sobbing in my chair. I was embarrassed and, honestly, scared. I wasn’t ready to give up my life—the parties, friends, relationships, habits that I knew I’d have to walk away from if I went back to Him.

“No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know, could keep us from Your love. No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough to keep us from your love. How high, how wide, no matter where I am, healing is in Your hands.” — Christy Nockels, “Healing is in Your Hands”

And I will never forget Passion ‘07, what that was like to worship with almost 20,000 other believers. An itty bitty glimpse of what Heaven will be like. During a break on one of those days, I mentioned to Lauren that when I closed my eyes, I saw all of us standing on a beach underneath a huge blue sky singing up to Him. (Probably because the ocean is the place where I feel God’s might the most. I have stood in the waves on many beaches and sang songs to him.) And then she said that she saw us before the throne, but it was so massive and mighty that even 20,000 strong, we were like a teeny, tiny finger touching the smallest, minute bit of His throne. And I see that behind my eyes now too, sometimes, millions of us on bended knee singing songs of love to our maker.

But there are drawbacks to the worship pathway that I have to be on guard against. Monvee mentioned that often worshipers can be judgmental of others who aren’t on this pathway as being less spiritual, and I have certainly been guilty of that. Minnesotans are not an exuberant bunch. They’re nice and friendly, oh yeah, but you want me to put my hands up? Uh, no. So often, I am one of only a handful of people in a 1,000+ congregation with arms raised. It used to bother me, like, don’t they know Who we’re worshiping? But as I’ve matured in my faith, I’ve learned that not everyone connects with God in the same way. (Duh, right?) So I just do what I do!

Another drawback that I have to guard against is seeking the experience and of making it about me. If you listen enough, you’ll find that there are a lot of “worship” songs that are really just boastful tunes about one’s self. So I guard against that— against making it about me. It’s about Him. Worship, at its core definition, is about making much of Him.

One of my coworker’s pathways is intellect, which I find incredibly interesting, as it was my intellect that kept me separated from Him for so long. I couldn’t get past my questions, my disbelief. But mostly, I couldn’t get past my pride. When you have the gift of knowledge, it’s easy to think you know it all and therefore don’t need anyone to tell you anything. I stumbled over that backwards knowledge for too many years, I regret to say. Because what I wasn’t getting was that. . . He gave it to me! The things that I know just because I know them? From Him. My drive to know more, learn more, understand more? A gift from Him. He gave it to me to do Kingdom work. And I wasted it for many years, thinking it was because of my own brain, my own self, my OWN smartypantsness that I knew things. Pride, pride, pride. Ugly pride.

“My God’s not dead, He’s surely alive, He’s living on the inside roaring like a lion,” David Crowder Band, “Like a Lion”

(If you think you’re on the worship pathway as well, and you’re in search of new worship music or vehicles to worship Him, I recommend going to YouTube and searching for Hillsong London, Hillsong United, Chris Tomlin or Passion: Awakening.)

So Be Truly Glad

The morning of surgery — as we were driving in the dark at 4:45 am on our way to hospital — I checked my e-mail one last time from my phone. I had a message from Lauren that said she’d been reading her Bible when a verse jumped out at her and she prayed over it for me.

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure trials for a little while. These trials show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold — though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7

As I read that in the darkness of our car, as Aaron sped down the interstate, tears rolled down my face. I read it aloud to him and I said a prayer of thanks for faithful sisters in Christ.

Our future as parents (or as nonparents) remains to be seen. But I pray to be the kind of Christian that Peter writes about. Will my faith remain strong through this trial — through future trials I have yet to face? Am I being faithful because I hope that God will reward me? Or am I being faithful because I want to see God glorified?

And that’s the question. Is this suffering for me? To bring me fame or hits or sympathy? Or is for Him? Am I pointing you to Him?

I truly believe that Aaron and I will be parents. I feel it and I see it. I don’t know how or when, but I know it’s coming. I know that there is wonderful joy ahead.

I pray that when we get there that we won’t forget how God upheld us in this time. How, in this time, I wanted you to see Him in it. When we’re out of this trial, when we’re immersed in the joy of parenthood, will we forget to keep pointing you to Him?

I certainly don’t long for additional trials. I don’t want to keep being tested. But I am grateful for them. For the chance to be refined.

love.mercy.action.

The message this month at church has been from the book of Micah, specifically Micah 6:8.

The Israelites were wrestling with God. They felt far from Him. They wondered: What more do you want from us, God? More offerings of calves? More sacrifices of rams? Our firstborn sons??

But the prophet Micah says: Oh he has shown you oh man, what the Lord God requires: do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.

The verse doesn’t tell us to like justice or to have a healthy appreciation for it. To just respect it. Micah tells us to DO justice. To do what is right. To act justly. It’s a call to arms—a call to action.

The scripture doesn’t say to just to be merciful when it’s easy; when it’s convenient. It says that God requires us to love mercy.

It is one of my life verses. It’s a verse I carry in my heart. And though I often fail on all three requirements, I keep trying.

Justice is a tricky thing. Oh how we want it when we’ve been wronged. But oh how we long for mercy from the judge when we’ve wronged.

And thankfully He is merciful. And thankfully—oh so thankfully—He is JUST. There is so much in this world that is unfair. (So much.) There are situations that make me shake with the sheer injustice of them. But the ultimate judge sits on the throne. And I leave it to Him to ultimately right the wrongs of this world.

So what He has shown us that He requires isn’t so hard after all. We’ve been given the perfect example.

And I Wonder

At service yesterday, they played a video of a clip from SM Lockridge’s famous sermon, “That’s My King.” As we listened to it, it was like someone lit a match inside my chest.

That’s My King from Dustin Bankord on Vimeo.

It’s probably the best description I’ve heard on the personhood and divinity of Jesus outside scripture. It fills my soul with heat and light.

I realize that not everyone who reads this blog shares my faith, but I could no less blog about it then I could not write about my husband, or our life together, or the dogs or what winter is like in Minnesota. (Cold.)

It’s part of me, but more than that, He’s changed my life. My marriage depends on Him. He guides our decisions: how we handle our money. where we send it, and what we feel like is required of us. He’s stitching a tapestry across time, and all our stories are little pieces of it.

So I wonder, do you know Him?

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