30 November 2004
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I'm listening to Kasey Chamber's latest album, Wayward Angel, and every song makes me feel like dancing. Of course, almost everything makes me feel like dancing these days. No, I'm not in love. But I am, finally upon finally, in love with the idea of falling in love again, and I think that counts for something. I have a crush, and it's been so long that I've actually liked someone, for real actually liked them, that though it feels schoolgirlish and ridiculous, it also feels exciting. I'm just happy. I realize that I write a lot of Pollyannaish statements about how wonderful life is and how grateful I am to be where I am, and maybe that's why I don't update a lot, because I feel as if I'm constantly repeating myself, and let's face it, happy normal people are far less interesting to read about than not. But the past four years (four years!) have taken me down many a dark road, and sometimes I just have to take stock. For example, the last time Miss Kasey released an album, my heart was in pieces. It was the start of a very black time in my life. I felt rejected, shoved out, cast aside. I felt, to steal her lyrics, "not pretty enough." The day I climbed behind the wheel of my Accord and set out for Georgia, I truly didn't know what I was doing. I just felt pushed to leave, and I trusted. I trusted God in a way I'm still trying to replicate. From the outside, maybe my life doesn't look like much. I struggle with my weight; I'm 28 and single; I don't have some impressive job or a flashy resume; I live far away from my family. But you know what? I laugh every day. E-mails wing their way into my inbox from people who need me, love me and make me laugh. Two months ago, when I was leaving Houston after my high school reunion, my dad told me that he loves me more than "anything in the world." And just like that, the gulf between us disappeared. It's not hard to let people know how you feel about them. So why are we so reticent to do it? A few days before Thanksgiving my mom sent me an e-mail and reminded me, as if I needed reminding, that we have so much to be thankful for, as we are truly blessed. My best friend is about to have a baby, and every time I think of him, this perfect pink creature about to enter the world, I can actually feel my heart swell. What's not to be thankful for? Joy is a precious commodity that is far too rarely traded, and I just don't understand it. A college friend once asked me, with total exasperation in her voice, how I could always be so positive. And I honestly don't know. I just feel like, while we're scratching and clawing our way through dark times and the just flat out bullshit that life flings at us, you have to keep in mind that the greatest things - love, joy, hope, faith - they're still out there, waiting. Waiting for you to just look up, grab on, and yes, dance.
The notify knows about Weight Challenged.
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