21
July 2004
|
My dad is getting married tonight. He just called as they were waiting for the JP to come to their house. I don't really know how I feel about it. Mostly relieved, I guess. Relived that he won't be alone anymore and that there's someone there to take care of him and to keep him company. But maybe even more than relieved, I just feel incredibly sad. Won't I ever get over this? Will the thought of my parent's divorce ever not make my throat close and my eyes well? It's so ridiculous that it still hurts so much. So, so much. Because when my dad moved out, I really did lose him. Last month, as I was searching for Father's Day cards, it took me forever to find one general enough. I couldn't send him the "daughter" cards that talk about spending all his money, or the "funny" cards about family car trips or Sundays on the recliner. None of them applied. As I stood in Target, five different cards in my hand, it was all I could do to not throw them across the floor and scream. He forgot my birthday this year. My mom said that he's just been preoccupied and that he didn't really forget, because she remembered how happy he was that night when I came into the world. And that's my mom - always seeing the best, always smoothing over the hurt with her extraordinary forgiveness. But I turned 28 three weeks ago, and even though he called to wish me a happy 4th of July and called tonight, sounding nervous as he waiting for some layman to come and make some woman his wife, he never called to tell me that he was happy that I was born. This isn't Sixteen Candles, and I'm not wailing into my pillow that my father forgot my birthday, but I just. . .don't get it. Last week I totally humbled myself and sent him an e-mail asking if he wouldn't mind sending me some money to help me out with the enormous amount of car ridiculousness I've been dealing with the past few months. I even slipped in there that my tags expired on my birthday, but for whatever reason my car keeps failing its emissions test. (Something to do with readiness and a drive cycle and my only option is to keep driving it. . .with expired tags.) So far, I've gotten no response to my e-mail. On Saturday when I checked the mail there was a letter from my stepfather. I figured it was just a note thanking me for his birthday card, so when I opened the envelope and a check fell out, I immediately started crying. Here's this quiet man, who owes me nothing and has no obligation to me, who figured out that I needen it and so he sent it. No request. No questions. He loves me, and wants to take care of me, just because he loves my mother. I don't know how to bridge this gulf. The Gulf that separates us more than just literally. All I know is that it's lonely on this side of it.
The notify knows about Weight Challenged.
|
