23
July 2003
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Dear Diet Coke, I do enjoy you, thank you for noticing. But listen, we have a problem. See I’m trying really hard this time, for real and the right way, to shrink my hips and get rid of my gut, and yes my back fat, and you’re not helping. I know. I know you think you are helping and I appreciate the fact that you’re practically calorie free. That’s really great of you to pitch in that way, but we’ve got to talk about the sodium. And the caffeine. And the carbonation. I guess all of those things are bad for me and are counterproductive to all the water I drink. You’d think that drinking lots of water and then enjoying you would be enough, but I’m told that it’s not. Who knew? I know you didn’t. How could you? And those ignorant days were blissful, my friend. No doubt. So we can’t see each other on a daily basis anymore. Please don’t. I’m not saying that I can never see you again, because we’ll have our time in the sun again I promise. I just can’t see you as often. Or even half as often, really. Oh, I know you love me. And believe me when I say that I love you too. And I’ll miss you. I will. I’ll always contend that there’s nothing greater than you poured over ice with a straw because there’s not. When I only have a dollar you’re there for me in a Biggie cup with a lid and when I’m hung over you’re always there to lift me up. I’ll never forget any of that, I promise. And I’m sure I’ll still need to lean on you from time to time. I’m not Superman you know. But I fear that our heyday is over. And really, you won’t even miss me. You’re the most popular soda I know. You won’t even notice that we’re not spending as much time together. Oh stop. That’s sweet of you, it is. But I know the truth. I know that this will be harder for me than it is for you, and that’s okay. I accept that as the one who has to walk away. But know this sweet nectar. Know that no one else will sip you as sweetly, drink you with as much affection and no one will miss you more. You may not nourish my body but you sure as hell nourished my soul. So I’ll see you around. I’ll be the one pretending to enjoy something else. Love,
Join the notify.
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