27 March 2002
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I picked the Little Peep up out of his crib and held him close to my chest. Still groggy from his nap, he nudged his head under my chin and popped his thumb into his mouth. I stood there, slightly swaying back and forth, intoxicated by the scent of his baby shampooed head, and started to cry. How can I leave him?, I thought to myself. I kissed his head and breathed him in, pressing him as close to me as I could. How can I? But I am. Next Wednesday I'm moving to Atlanta. No, I don't have a job yet but I'm going anyway. The movers are booked, the apartment is rented, my mother is seconds away from a serious crying jag and I'm going. I don't know if I'm still in denial or if it's just so the right thing to do that I'm not questioning it, but I feel really okay about this. Now admittedly, I'm a little freaked out. There's the whole thing of not having any money and this costing a lot of it, and then you add my car being in the shop till who knows when (I call them everyday: Now y'all know I'm moving to Georgia next week right?) and it's all very overwhelming. (And by the way, guess how much damage there was to the little Honda? 2,000 bucks worth. Did the guy slam on the gas when he went into reverse? Lawd.) It's weird to think that this place I know so well as a visitor is going to be my home. I'm going to live there. Get my mail there. Sleep there - indefinitely - in my own bed. Montego will be there. (And also? I haven't had to deal with fleas up here. Not looking forward to that part of living in the South again.) Alex - I'll take Denial for 18 million dollars. (Which is about what this whole thing is costing.)My mom and grandmother and aunts won't be an hour away anymore. When I'm sad or lonely I won't be able to just throw Tego in the car and drive down there. Let my mom fix my tea and watch basketball with my stepfather. I think that's the hardest thing to come to grips with - I'm leaving my family. Thank goodness all my aunts are hip to the email. My mother says I'm the most resilient person she's ever known. (Once after a bad breakup, and me explaining to her how everything is going to be okay and how it's for the best, she looked at me and wondered how I could be so strong. You've had a lot of hard things to go through in your life, she told me. Yet you're so resilient. Do you think that's the Lord?) And it probably is. After all, it's hard to be a worrier when you live by Faith, which I don't always do. But in the hard times, I come back to it. So no, I'm not worried that this is the wrong decision and that I've totally ruined my life. I do worry that I won't get a job that pays as well as my previous one, but that's a superficial concern. Why stay in a well-paying job that suffocates your life? I think my thoughts behind that one are pretty clear. (As in, you don't.) Looks like this has become a physical Journey as well. Thanks for coming with me. I can use the company.
The notify wants you. And the forum wants you to help me get a job.
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