5 December 2001
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So it's December, right? And yet today it was almost 70 degrees. Y'all know that ain't right. And I have a million things to write about, yet nothing at the same time. See how everything is full of contradictions? I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself lately so I've tried to stay away from this space; out of respect for me and y'all. My friendships are sort of wonky and I miss the hell out of the people I love that don't live here. Like craziness. Distance is hard, and it doesn't matter if you're missing your boyfriend, your brother or your best friend. You're just full of missing. Physically though, I feel better than I've felt in a long time. I'm still doing that training program and it's been really great. I know I haven't lost any weight, but I'm stronger and I feel a lot tighter. It's just a good feeling to work out, for the right reasons. I'm not even trying to eat better, but I am, simply as a byproduct of working out well and frequently. So that's been good. And I hate this, y'all, I do. I hate writing about it, I hate thinking about it, I hate talking about it. Yet I do all three, the latter two obviously more often. But I'm going to write about it a little here, simply because I do think about it so much, and I can't tell you how many times I've written entries about the subject in my head. But needless to say, I've done so many, many times. I know I've danced around the eating/body image issue before, and I've even just said it, and I've even talked about how Miami was like this eating disorder Mecca, but I've never said how angry the whole thing makes me - like clench-my-fists-wanna-throw-something angry. And yet I can't talk about it too personally, or in a lot of detail because some of my friends have struggled, and continue to struggle, with eating disorders/food issues. And when I say some I don't mean two, or even three, or even four. I should probably just say "many" of my friends. And see? I'm pissed off. Because the whole thing is so ridiculous. Yet I've bowed to the demon myself. It's easy to do, but thankfully I feel like, for the most part, I left that ravaged, lonely girl behind a long time ago. It's just everywhere and you can't escape it. See, not only do we have movies like Shallow Hal (and after viewing it, it's bad, but not really offensive. Just really bad and stupid.), but we have former "fatties" and "plus-size" models like Carnie Wilson and Emme getting together to "rap" about the stupid movie in People. We have to hear how Jessica Simpson made herself lose 15 pounds so she could be on level playing ground with Britney and Christina. Have y'all seen Jessica Simpson lately? Yeah, she's got that whole - my hip bones stick out and my super low jeans hang off me, a la Tara Reid thing going on. And everywhere, in every magazine I open and on every tabloid t.v. show there's Carrie Otis talking about how she starved herself for years (to the point where she had to have surgery to correct the holes in her heart) during her modeling career but is happy and healthy now as a size 12. While this is great, it's like, oKAY, why is it newsworthy that she has a NORMAL body?! Yet, GASP, she's a model! Why, how can that be? Contraction city. Oh but, y'all, she's not a model-model. Not like she was, you know. (Sports Illustrated certainly won't be calling, anyway.) She's a plus-size model. Hey, did you hear that she's the new face for Lane Bryant? Nevermind that they don't even carry her size. See what I mean? P-i-s-s-e-d off. And I know that most people who deal with eating disorders do it out of a need for control, or to try and fix something on the inside, psychobabble blah blah, but you know what? I've lived in enough dorm rooms and worked out in enough rec centers and have known enough girls to know that this theory isn't necessarily always true. Not completely. A lot of it just stems from the desire to be thin, to look good, to try and make your body something that it's not. And it's not as simple as "anorexics have a mega low caloric intake and work out constantly." That's what Lifetime would have you believe. Because you know, what if the girl does only eat one meal a day, but that meal happens to be Burger King? Does that mean she's not starving herself? Of course not. But it's easier for her to hide the problem, and it's easier to not notice. And you know what else? Bulimics don't always throw up after they binge. Not always. Sometimes they go to the rec center for three hours. Sometimes they don't even binge, but go twice a day anyway. The key though, is to go once while the morning crowd is there and once again while the night crowd is there. Your roommate will just think you're at the library. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Am I going anywhere with this? I don't know, but I'm about to tell you something really scary. Over the past four years I've gained forty pounds. 4-0. Forty. But here's the catch - you'll die - I'm happier with the way I look now than I did when I was 21, when I was at my thinnest. I can't even visualize the way my body looked then because when I looked at myself I wasn't seeing what was really there. I probably thought I actually looked the way I do now, which I think is one reason that I never really noticed the weight. In my mind I always looked like this. But I am, I'm happy now. I don't know how it happened or what, but I am. I think that's the main reason I can really enjoy working out for what it is - a way to have energy and feel healthy. And, if in the process, that makes me firmer, great. Because that's my only goal; not to fit into that dress before formal, or to look okay in my bathing suit in Jamaica or because my roommates are so much smaller than I am and I want to be able to wear their cute tees. And I know I've said nothing radical or new, but I know everything I've said is true. Body image and food issues are ugly beasts. They're savage and raw and they can lurk in the shadows when you don't even know that they exist. And the very, very worst thing you can do is join their club once you've already seen their ugly faces, because once you're a member, they'll never, ever let you go.
The notify and I are exchanging Christmas cards! If you're not on the list, and you'd still like to participate, send me your address and I'll email you my mail drop. Mail is fun. But only when it's anthrax free.
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